Showing posts with label movie. Show all posts
Showing posts with label movie. Show all posts

Friday, December 30, 2022

Movie Recap: Ninja, Act 1

Welcome and also goodbye, everyone!

No, I'm not going anywhere, but the year is. And to finish it with a bang, I'm doing a two-for-one recap with one of my favorite actors and one of my favorite directors! So not only is today's movie an Isaac Florentine vehicle with the requisite amounts of cheese, WTF and brain-punching writing, but it's an Isaac Florentine vehicle starring Scott Adkins, so I'll get to make googly eyes during the fight scenes while I poke fun of everything else. Despite the... you'll see, I honestly kind of recommend this one even though the plot feels like someone ran three different action movie scripts through an office shredder and had to piece a single one together from what they could salvage, the fighting is very much worth checking out, and I really can't sum it up in more eloquent ways than "Swoon, drool, awesome". So yeah. Go watch Isaac Florentine's Ninja... once you've read the recap, of course.

Put on the crash helmets, let's get right into ACT 1!

Friday, December 23, 2022

Movie Recap: Bridge of Dragons, Act 3

Welcome back to the last leg of our journey, princes and princesses. Hitch up your wedding smocks, because this recap is going out with a bang this is Bridge of Dragons, Act 3!

Movie Recap: Bridge of Dragons, Act 2

Welcome back to my action movie rogues' gallery, dear readers! I'm in a hurry this time because this segment of Bridge of Dragons has one of my favorite dumbass action movie scenes ever filmed (I think you'll know it when you see it in the recap), so let's get right into it. Ready, steady, action!

Thursday, December 22, 2022

Movie Recap: Bridge of Dragons, Act 1

Hello, everyone. This is Oculus Recaps, which is a thing now, apparently.

Yes, here I go again like Whitesnake: after the unexpected amount of fun I had snarking at my dearest U.S. SEALs 2, I figured I'd sacrifice a few more braincells to revisit some of my other beloved Nu Image masterpieces. Undisputed 3 is way too unironically good for me to poke fun of, but there is another gem I have been meaning to return to and feature on this blog. That would be the 1999 action-adventure-romance Bridge of Dragons, which doesn't have a single bridge nor a dragon in it, as far as I recall. It does, however, have a lantern-jawed Action Man fighting an evil general for the love of a feisty princess, and said lantern-jawed looker is played by one of my favorite Action Man crushes: Dolph Lundgren. And who else would direct such high-octane cinema than Master Isaac Florentine himself?

I love Bridge of Dragons, dear readers, even when it hurts my head, and I'm here to make you love it too. Crash helmets on, sporks out, painkillers in hand, let's begin right away with Act 1!

Wednesday, December 21, 2022

Movie Recap: U.S. SEALs 2, Act 3

Home stretch now, girls and gentlefolk, so let's not waste any time! All I'm going to say before I get into the last half hour of this amazing experience is that despite my snark, I want everyone to know that I adore U.S. SEALs 2. Is it a good movie? Hell no - but it knows its own weight class and delivers solid, honest entertainment in that category, with every actor giving their all to each of these stupid, ridiculous, batshit, out there plot points and fight scenes. I admire a movie that has a heart, and U.S. SEALs 2 has so much, I find that I just can't stay mad at it even when it punches my brain for the fifteenth time in 94 minutes.

On to the dumb!

Movie Recap: U.S. SEALs 2, Act 2

Back and at 'em with the stupid, friends and femmes. Here's the second part of my recap of the most action movie ever: U.S. SEALs 2: The Ultimate Force, directed by Isaac Florentine.

Movie Recap: U.S. SEALs 2, Act 1

Hey again, everyone!

Not gonna make excuses for vanishing this time: 2022 was a very tough year for me, so I fell rather behind on almost every writing and blogging project I have. I do want to make up for the 2021 Sleaze-A-Thon falling through, though, so I will post the only review I have managed to write for it this month as a sort of mini-penance... as well as finish something else I started last year for y'all. Namely, I've been writing a recap for the most action movie I have ever seen: a little gem titled U.S. SEALs 2, an unforgettable follow-up to a mostly-forgotten action movie called U.S. SEALs, both from the famed low-budget fun times film studio called Nu Image. This bonkers sequel was directed by my favorite schlockmaster and direct-to-video wizard Isaac Florentine, so we're in good hands. I have been very fond of Mr. Florentine's output since my first jaw-on-the-floor encounter with Undisputed 3 (I made my mom watch that one with me and I still refuse to feel embarrassed over it), and this one didn't disappoint either.

Get ready, we're diving into the schlock in 3... 2... 1...

Sunday, November 14, 2021

Oc's Christmas Sleaze-a-thon: We're starting, baby

Image by paulbr75 at Pixabay

Welcome, everyone, to a very special announcement.

It's no secret that I like good cinema and love great cinema, but absolutely adore bad cinema. There's just this unique charm to cinematic trash made with real passion that you can't get from entertainment made with skill and technique. I realize I'm not saying anything thousands of cinema nerds haven't said before, but that doesn't make this any less true. Every trash enthusiast has a favorite era of bad movies - some are into cheesy 50's and 60's monster flicks, others prefer crappy 80's horror, yet others are into grindhouse, or Asylum and SyFy wonders like Sharktopus vs. Whalewolf (yes, that's a real movie). Me, I have a real fondness for grindhouse, action and exploitation stuff, but I realize that a whole bunch of those movies are genuine crap, and unpleasant crap to boot, especially on the misogyny front. I'm always on the lookout for grindhouse and cult movies with real value to them - artistic value, novelty value, hell, even just accidental comedy, you name it. I've been collecting flaming garbage fires as well as genuine and deservedly beloved cinematic gems for a while, and because I've suddenly and inexplicably lost my mind a few days ago, I decided to go through them all. In one go.

Okay, not really - what I've had in mind is to assemble a list of 42 sleazy, schlocky and/or campy genre movies, with special attention to the grindhouse, exploitation and cult classic field, and have a movie marathon until Christmas where I watch a movie each day. (Why until Christmas? Well, because I'm pretty sure that if I spent His Son's birthday by watching something like Naked Vengeance the good Lord would smite me, and I don't even believe in Him. No, actually, I just want to spend the holidays with family rather than with Roger Corman.) Now, obviously my brain would fry and leak out through my ears if I actually did this, but the goal is to watch at least 30 movies out of the 42 on my list, with 12 days to either not watch something because I don't feel like it, or nope out because the movie is just that bad. I'm going to write a post with mini-reviews of each movie I've watched roughly every 5 to 10 movies (any longer than that and I'd end up with a bunch of Frankenposts nobody will read because they're lengthier than a Terms and Conditions page); and a year's end recap of the marathon as a whole, regardless of whether I fail or manage to watch at least 30 movies in the next month and a half.

As a bit of a sneak peek of what I'm about to subject myself to, here are a few titles from my list: TNT Jackson; Coffy; Planet Terror; Cradle of Fear; Plan 9 from Outer Space (ain't no true bad movie marathon without that one); Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill!; The Bad Batch; Hobo With a Shotgun; The Beyond, and so on.

Pray for me to survive this. (Seriously though, I think it's gonna be fun.) See y'all soon with the first Frankenreview, folks.

Thursday, July 23, 2020

Oculus Reviews: Lovecraft and claymation? Hell yeah! Sort of.

Hey, y'all, this is Oculus Reviews.

The truth is... I have a real love-hate relationship with H. P. Lovecraft. I love him for the reason everyone else does: his incredible, vast imagination in creating alien terrors beyond human comprehension. He even wrote an actually good story every once in a while. The reasons I hate him are the flagrant racism that makes even his better-written stories horribly uncomfortable sometimes (it's a bit hard to take The Shadow Over Innsmouth seriously when its main theme is basically "ooo miscegenation is spooky"... and we all know what the guy named his cat); and the fact that he's lauded as a much better writer than he actually was. I do admire his creativity, but his actual writing skill was rather far behind it: I can't help but be allergic to his overindulgent purple prose and badly-written women (if he ever actually bothered to write a woman at all), even when he does manage to scare the bejezus out of me.

I should duck all those rotten tomatoes flying at me, shouldn't I?

Lovecraft adaptations, on the other hand, are... diverse, to put it gently. From the H. P. Lovecraft Historical Society's excellent Call of Cthulhu silent movie and the devastating Dagon to the recent Colour Out of Space that I'm still planning on watching, there have been a handful of actually watchable Lovecraft moviesand a lot of horrible crap, let's not kid ourselves. I suppose that's the case with every household name in horror (let's play a game: name the best and worst Stephen King movie that comes to your mind, and keep the "worst" down to one), but so far I can call myself lucky in that I've only seen the better Lovecrafts. And a fairly unique one that I'm not sure where to put on the scale.

imdb.com

H. P. Lovecraft's Dunwich Horror and Other Stories is a 2007 Japanese claymation movie that adapts three of HPL's short stories, some better-known and some less so: The Picture in the House, The Dunwich Horror and The Festival. I'm not actually a fan of any of these stories (racism, purple prose, see above; my personal favorites are Pickman's Model and Cool Air), but I'm always up for some novelty value, and the combination of claymation with cosmic horror is definitely a new one. Alas, the movie really underperforms in some ways, despite all the potential in the concept.


The first segment, The Picture in the House, is probably the best-adapted of the three stories, with slowly mounting dread escalating into a crescendo as the blood begins to drip... Movement is scarce: most of the story is told through small gestures, still images and dialogue, adding to the oppressive atmosphere. The art style of the movie is incredibly stark and grotesque, with even normal faces appearing gaunt, distorted... haunted. Whether this is a clever stylistic choice or just ugly is up to the viewer. (I'm leaning towards the former.) But to my great annoyance, the movie leaves out my favorite Lovecraft quote ever, from the beginning of the story proper:
Searchers after horror haunt strange, far places. For them are the catacombs of Ptolemais, and the carven mausoleums of the nightmare countries. They climb to the moonlit towers of ruined Rhine castles, and falter down black cobwebbed steps beneath the scattered stones of forgotten cities in Asia. The haunted wood and the desolate mountain are their shrines, and they linger around the sinister monoliths on uninhabited islands. But the true epicure of the terrible, to whom a new thrill of unutterable ghastliness is the chief end and justification of existence, esteem most of all the ancient, lonely farmhouses of backwoods New England; for there the dark elements of strength, solitude, grotesqueness, and ignorance combine to form the perfection of the hideous.
Why wouldn't you put this into your Lovecraft movie?! It's an iconic quote!


The second story, The Dunwich Horror, is where things start to fall apart a little. Told through narration, the story begins with Wilbur Whateley's dying moments, then rewinds to the beginning of the actual short story before plunging into the action-packed finale. The bizarre animation style really lends itself here to the horrors of the tale, but claymation and "action-packed" rarely go together well, and with the way the segment sprints through the plot of a pretty lengthy short story in barely ten minutes, there's little for the viewer to actually engage with.

The third story, The Festival, is easily the weakest of the trio. Even if I'm not a big fan of Lovecraft's Dramatique purple prose, without it this storythe eyewitness account of a bizarre eldritch celebrationreally falls apart. With almost nonexistent narration, this segment mostly comes across as an exercise in set design: the horrific visuals really are great and would make for a stellar short film with a little more meat to it, but if you don't know the original short story, you probably won't even know what the hell you're looking at and why. There's very little character, plot, anything to hold the viewer's attention beyond "ooh, pretty!" (well... in a certain definition of  'pretty')I was mostly nodding off through this segment, to tell you the truth.

He clearly doesn't approve.

Too bad about this movie, folks. I really do feel like there could have been more done here: maybe with a better selection of stories to work with, a longer running time, or just more effort to translate the stories to animation, this could have been an absolutely terrifying Lovecraft movie. As it is, it's mostly memorable for the sheer novelty of it; as far as Lovecraft adaptations go, there are definitely better-executed ones out there.

Writing: Not much to speak of, sadly. 2/5

Visuals: Probably the strongest aspect of the entire short film, but still not enough to carry it through all 46 minutes. 4/5

Do I recommend it?: For Lovecraft connoisseurs onlynewcomers would probably just find it confusing and boring. 2/5