Welcome and also goodbye, everyone!
No, I'm not going anywhere, but the year is. And to finish it with a bang, I'm doing a two-for-one recap with one of my favorite actors and one of my favorite directors! So not only is today's movie an Isaac Florentine vehicle with the requisite amounts of cheese, WTF and brain-punching writing, but it's an Isaac Florentine vehicle starring Scott Adkins, so I'll get to make googly eyes during the fight scenes while I poke fun of everything else. Despite the... you'll see, I honestly kind of recommend this one – even though the plot feels like someone ran three different action movie scripts through an office shredder and had to piece a single one together from what they could salvage, the fighting is very much worth checking out, and I really can't sum it up in more eloquent ways than "Swoon, drool, awesome". So yeah. Go watch Isaac Florentine's Ninja... once you've read the recap, of course.
Put on the crash helmets, let's get right into ACT 1!
ACT 1: THAT TAKEOUT FONT BUT IT'S A WHOLE MOVIE
We start the movie with a text scroll letting us know who ninjas are, for those audience members who have left their home under a rock to come see Scott Adkins kicking people. While the credits are rolling, in that one vaguely Asianesque font takeout menus use...
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| Oy. |
...we find ourselves in a Japanese dojo full of martial artists training very hard; that includes Mr. Adkins himself, or Casey in this movie. Huh. Déjà vu. Given the title of this movie, and the fact that he's the only white person in this intro scene and the camera really lingers on him, I sense some Unfortunate Implications down the line. Ah, it was a different time when this movie was made, back in... 2010. Oy.
The sōke (the head of the dojo) then lets us know in voiceover that his people are guarding a priceless chest, the Yoroi Bitsu, which holds the last surviving pieces of authentic ninja armor and weaponry. Not sure who he's talking to and why because he's alone in this scene, but thank you for helping us catch up with the plot, Sensei. Intercut with his musings is a scene of a masked ninja killing samurai, which is legit pretty badass – no complaints here. Apparently the chest also contains a deadly poison invented by ninjas with only one antidote ummm Chekhov's Gun what? Sorry, I was distracted by remembering some shirtlessness from the previous scene. Anyway, yeah, can't see a way this equipment will become very uncomfortably relevant in a fight scene later on.
The sōke (the head of the dojo) then lets us know in voiceover that his people are guarding a priceless chest, the Yoroi Bitsu, which holds the last surviving pieces of authentic ninja armor and weaponry. Not sure who he's talking to and why because he's alone in this scene, but thank you for helping us catch up with the plot, Sensei. Intercut with his musings is a scene of a masked ninja killing samurai, which is legit pretty badass – no complaints here. Apparently the chest also contains a deadly poison invented by ninjas with only one antidote ummm Chekhov's Gun what? Sorry, I was distracted by remembering some shirtlessness from the previous scene. Anyway, yeah, can't see a way this equipment will become very uncomfortably relevant in a fight scene later on.
COUGH But he's white! COUGH
After some more spectacular training (that's not snark, even a short training sequence manages to be badass in this movie), we learn that Casey and the Sensei's daughter Namiko have a very awkward crush on each other... I swear I've seen that before, but I don't know where. Don't say anything. It'll come to me.
SERIOUSLY EVEN HER NAME IS ALMOST THE SAME
Alas for Casey, his rival in the dojo, Masazuka, doesn't take very kindly to Casey being held in as high esteem as Masazuka himself is. So he does the honorable thing... and tries to piss Casey off by bringing up the fact that he was taken in by the Sensei as a child because his mom just kinda left. Despite the Sensei being like "excuse me wtf are you doing" when he hears that, the movie needs a villain, so things come to a head in the next scene. For no reason on God's green Earth that I can discern, Masazuka suddenly starts whaling on Casey during a sparring match until an actual katana comes out of the sheath, and Casey is forced to wound him on the face in self-defense. The Sensei realizes that one of his prize students has some deep-seated anger and jealousy issues, so he advises Masazuka to seek therapy and try to earn Casey's forgiveness for the attack pfff who am I kidding he just banishes the guy. In front of the whole dojo. 'Cause that won't come back and stab him in the ass later at all.
"SOME TIME LATER" – very helpful subtitle, thank you, movie – in a New York City industrial building, a hood-wearing Illuminati Cthulhu cult is having a secret meeting to initiate a new member. Why does thiswhite ninja movie have the Illuminati in it? Fuck you for asking, that's why, because we never find out. They also brand their new member with their symbol, which is the height of badassitude and doesn't at all look like the guy just put out a larger-than-usual cigar there.
Before we could recover from that whack on the head with the Baseball Bat O' What, the editor whisks us away to Russia, where some random oil company deal slash newscast is going on... in a theatre building. As you do. Into the scene steps the prison warden from Undisputed 2 and 3 (not me being an asshole, it's the same actor) to sign the deal, probably in a hurry to leave for a hospital opening ceremony at the nearest abandoned McDonald's. But oh, no! Some parkour enthusiast– I mean, an assassin is crouching on the roof! The press are all waiting outside while the deal is being signed inside on the empty stage (SURE), and since the warden's bodyguards have brought guns to a ninja fight, they all get sliced 'n' diced before you could say "what the fuck am I watching?"
Then, the Rosicrucianist Masons' head gets phoned by Masazuka... I mean, whoever the mysterious assassin could be to report the hit, while he watches the freshly ninja-d oil company exec struggle out into the press conference on live TV. Freaking Lois Lane is a more realistic news reporter than the joker who sees a guy gargling with his own blood and keeps on narrating what's happening instead of saying something like "Call an ambulance". But before I could get mad at the lack of accurate news media portrayal in mywhite ninja movie, the scene ends.
A whatever amount of time later (we don't even get another helpful subtitle, so don't ask me), the Sensei is holding a ceremony where his dojo displays the Yoroi Bitsu for his students' families to see, and he gets ready to announce his successor as sōke. Ooh, I have no idea who he's going to pick. Before I have to bite my knuckles to keep more white ninja jokes from slipping out, Masazuka crashes the party in a pair of bitchin' sunglasses and gives everyone secondhand embarrassment by acting like a drunk student at a graduation banquet. (Naturally, I have no idea what that feels like.) The Sensei calls the guy a "common assassin" in front of everyone and refuses to take him back into the dojo... and I'm left to wonder just how bad this assassin dude is at his job, if even his old mentor on the other side of the planet knows he's ninja-ing people to death in Russia. Masazuka is unconcerned by the fact that he's apparently the least subtle ninja ever and might as well be walking around with a billboard saying NINJA ASSASSIN... wait, I think that's a different movie. Anyway, after he and Casey briefly attempt to hate each other to death, Masazuka leaves.
Since the Sensei is not a whole idiot (only, let's say, three-quarters of one judging by that whole banishing business), he immediately starts making plans to move the Yoroi Bitsu out of Japan to a friend of his who can watch over it, lest it fall into the wrong hands.
And so we land in New York again! Wasn't expecting this ninja movie to turn into Around the World in 80 Days, but if that means I get to see Arnold Schwarzenegger hamming it up in a ridiculous outfit, hey, I'm down. (No, seriously, he was in that movie. The Jackie Chan one. Don't ask because I don't know.) The Sensei's friend tasked with guarding the priceless ninja treasure turns out to be a professor, who wears a tweed jacket, thick-framed glasses and a bow tie, and probably has elbow patches and corduroy trousers too; I'm not rewinding just to find out. I'm willing to bet he does, though.
While Professor Derp is packing up the Yoroi Bitsu in a university vault, we sometimes cut to Tokyo and oh come on – I swear I'm getting carsick just from trying to keep up with all these location changes. Anyway, as the packing is going on in New York, we also see Masazuka getting ready to rumble in a gorgeous Tokyo luxury apartment, where an entire built-in wardrobe is taken up by his bitchin' ninja assassin armor and weaponry. Fuck yeah! Why he's still bothering with a years-old grudge when he's apparently living like a king now is a very good question, but shh, please – if someone asked the screenwriter that, we wouldn't have a movie. Just lean back and enjoy the nonsense.
After a really uncomfortable bit where Professor Derp points out that Casey is a lily-white dude in a Japanese dojo, as well as the protagonist of a movie called Ninja (okay, I'm pointing out the latter but that will never not be awkward), back in Japan the throwing stars hit the fan! Masazuka arrives to the Sensei's dojo in his sharpest assassin outfit, and he proceeds to mince the entire cast of the first scene one-on-one, while the rest of his former classmates stand and do their idle animation as per action movie etiquette. The fight choreography is awesome, as we've come to expect from Master Florentine – with bonus rain and slo-mo! (I hope you didn't think I was watching these things for the writing.)
Last in the line of the asskickery is the Sensei, who calls Masazuka by his name immediately despite the guy wearing a mask, a helmet and full body armor. Seriously, least subtle. Ninja. EVER. The Sensei puts up a good fight, but he's a mentor figure in an action movie, so he goes the way of the dodo – but not before Masazuka begs one last time to be taken back under the Sensei's wing. After killing most of the other students and dosing the Sensei with the secret ninja poison from the start of the movie, somehow he's shocked when his, uh, heartfelt plea is refused. So shocked that he destroys the only antidote to the poison, oh, no! Then Masazuka decapitates the Sensei, because he's – say it with me – the LEAST SUBTLE NINJA EVER. End act 1.
How will Casey and Namiko deal with such masterfully covert and ingeniously plotted asskicking? Find out next time in Act 2, RUMBLE IN THE BIG APPLE!
After some more spectacular training (that's not snark, even a short training sequence manages to be badass in this movie), we learn that Casey and the Sensei's daughter Namiko have a very awkward crush on each other... I swear I've seen that before, but I don't know where. Don't say anything. It'll come to me.
Alas for Casey, his rival in the dojo, Masazuka, doesn't take very kindly to Casey being held in as high esteem as Masazuka himself is. So he does the honorable thing... and tries to piss Casey off by bringing up the fact that he was taken in by the Sensei as a child because his mom just kinda left. Despite the Sensei being like "excuse me wtf are you doing" when he hears that, the movie needs a villain, so things come to a head in the next scene. For no reason on God's green Earth that I can discern, Masazuka suddenly starts whaling on Casey during a sparring match until an actual katana comes out of the sheath, and Casey is forced to wound him on the face in self-defense. The Sensei realizes that one of his prize students has some deep-seated anger and jealousy issues, so he advises Masazuka to seek therapy and try to earn Casey's forgiveness for the attack pfff who am I kidding he just banishes the guy. In front of the whole dojo. 'Cause that won't come back and stab him in the ass later at all.
"SOME TIME LATER" – very helpful subtitle, thank you, movie – in a New York City industrial building, a hood-wearing Illuminati Cthulhu cult is having a secret meeting to initiate a new member. Why does this
Before we could recover from that whack on the head with the Baseball Bat O' What, the editor whisks us away to Russia, where some random oil company deal slash newscast is going on... in a theatre building. As you do. Into the scene steps the prison warden from Undisputed 2 and 3 (not me being an asshole, it's the same actor) to sign the deal, probably in a hurry to leave for a hospital opening ceremony at the nearest abandoned McDonald's. But oh, no! Some parkour enthusiast– I mean, an assassin is crouching on the roof! The press are all waiting outside while the deal is being signed inside on the empty stage (SURE), and since the warden's bodyguards have brought guns to a ninja fight, they all get sliced 'n' diced before you could say "what the fuck am I watching?"
Then, the Rosicrucianist Masons' head gets phoned by Masazuka... I mean, whoever the mysterious assassin could be to report the hit, while he watches the freshly ninja-d oil company exec struggle out into the press conference on live TV. Freaking Lois Lane is a more realistic news reporter than the joker who sees a guy gargling with his own blood and keeps on narrating what's happening instead of saying something like "Call an ambulance". But before I could get mad at the lack of accurate news media portrayal in my
A whatever amount of time later (we don't even get another helpful subtitle, so don't ask me), the Sensei is holding a ceremony where his dojo displays the Yoroi Bitsu for his students' families to see, and he gets ready to announce his successor as sōke. Ooh, I have no idea who he's going to pick. Before I have to bite my knuckles to keep more white ninja jokes from slipping out, Masazuka crashes the party in a pair of bitchin' sunglasses and gives everyone secondhand embarrassment by acting like a drunk student at a graduation banquet. (Naturally, I have no idea what that feels like.) The Sensei calls the guy a "common assassin" in front of everyone and refuses to take him back into the dojo... and I'm left to wonder just how bad this assassin dude is at his job, if even his old mentor on the other side of the planet knows he's ninja-ing people to death in Russia. Masazuka is unconcerned by the fact that he's apparently the least subtle ninja ever and might as well be walking around with a billboard saying NINJA ASSASSIN... wait, I think that's a different movie. Anyway, after he and Casey briefly attempt to hate each other to death, Masazuka leaves.
Since the Sensei is not a whole idiot (only, let's say, three-quarters of one judging by that whole banishing business), he immediately starts making plans to move the Yoroi Bitsu out of Japan to a friend of his who can watch over it, lest it fall into the wrong hands.
And so we land in New York again! Wasn't expecting this ninja movie to turn into Around the World in 80 Days, but if that means I get to see Arnold Schwarzenegger hamming it up in a ridiculous outfit, hey, I'm down. (No, seriously, he was in that movie. The Jackie Chan one. Don't ask because I don't know.) The Sensei's friend tasked with guarding the priceless ninja treasure turns out to be a professor, who wears a tweed jacket, thick-framed glasses and a bow tie, and probably has elbow patches and corduroy trousers too; I'm not rewinding just to find out. I'm willing to bet he does, though.
While Professor Derp is packing up the Yoroi Bitsu in a university vault, we sometimes cut to Tokyo and oh come on – I swear I'm getting carsick just from trying to keep up with all these location changes. Anyway, as the packing is going on in New York, we also see Masazuka getting ready to rumble in a gorgeous Tokyo luxury apartment, where an entire built-in wardrobe is taken up by his bitchin' ninja assassin armor and weaponry. Fuck yeah! Why he's still bothering with a years-old grudge when he's apparently living like a king now is a very good question, but shh, please – if someone asked the screenwriter that, we wouldn't have a movie. Just lean back and enjoy the nonsense.
After a really uncomfortable bit where Professor Derp points out that Casey is a lily-white dude in a Japanese dojo, as well as the protagonist of a movie called Ninja (okay, I'm pointing out the latter but that will never not be awkward), back in Japan the throwing stars hit the fan! Masazuka arrives to the Sensei's dojo in his sharpest assassin outfit, and he proceeds to mince the entire cast of the first scene one-on-one, while the rest of his former classmates stand and do their idle animation as per action movie etiquette. The fight choreography is awesome, as we've come to expect from Master Florentine – with bonus rain and slo-mo! (I hope you didn't think I was watching these things for the writing.)
Last in the line of the asskickery is the Sensei, who calls Masazuka by his name immediately despite the guy wearing a mask, a helmet and full body armor. Seriously, least subtle. Ninja. EVER. The Sensei puts up a good fight, but he's a mentor figure in an action movie, so he goes the way of the dodo – but not before Masazuka begs one last time to be taken back under the Sensei's wing. After killing most of the other students and dosing the Sensei with the secret ninja poison from the start of the movie, somehow he's shocked when his, uh, heartfelt plea is refused. So shocked that he destroys the only antidote to the poison, oh, no! Then Masazuka decapitates the Sensei, because he's – say it with me – the LEAST SUBTLE NINJA EVER. End act 1.
How will Casey and Namiko deal with such masterfully covert and ingeniously plotted asskicking? Find out next time in Act 2, RUMBLE IN THE BIG APPLE!
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