Welcome to more nonsense, dear readers! Not much to say now, except that this chapter is the third-to-last one in the book, and it contains quite possibly my favorite moment in the entire story. Yes, even better than "whirl and dip and spin and splinter" or "AMERICA, FUCK YEAH". That good. So let's get right into it!
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| Today's reading face needs no explanation. I think I could have done this whole recap with Deadfall screencaps... but I love myself more than to rewatch that movie. |
Chapter 24: They Might Not Be Very Smart Men
Chapter 24 starts with Johnny Tucker lurking in the bushes outside like Slenderman and hurrying to find Burke. Once he spots the guy, Johnny gives him the secret "take his Lordship because shit's about to hit the fan" signal, and Burke hears it and asks for a moment with Lord Bromford. He says they should leave because "Lives are at stake", and only when his Lordship – who is in fact starting to feel unwell – asks what the hell he's talking about does Burke clarify that he means Lord Bromford's life. Because apparently just telling the guy that someone wants to kill him isn't as much fun as playing mysterious.
After that, Burke drags his Lordship into the shrubberies, where Johnny then meets them and tells them about Lord Bromford being poisoned so he'll have to stay the night. Which he found out because he also happened to be eavesdropping on the "as you know" session in the library, but had the good sense to do it by unlatching the window from outside. COUGH unlike a certain someone COUGH. How are we supposed to take Anemone seriously as a badass spy if she's so useless she can't even be the one to reveal the evil plot, except to the readers? As we know by now – say it with me – fuck you for asking, that's how.
Burke does something halfway intelligent for once (as always, I use the term generously) by telling Johnny that they need to leave right now and get Bromford to a doctor, once he has fetched Anemone from the ball. Johnny then reveals that Anemone got caught because she's a terrible spy, which he relates to Burke "Swiftly and with the articulateness that had earned him laurels as a diplomatic aide". Is now really the time to praise his silver tongue, dear narrator?
Burke digests the information, and tells Johnny to get Bromford to a doctor and then go grab Mr. Carstairs from the den of cartoonish evil. They call for William and Ned Boodle, then Burke informs the gang that Anemone's in trouble, and he'll go get her while they take care of Lord Bromford. Johnny decides that now is the perfect moment to hash out the personal drama, and decides to tell Burke just who instigated the Big Romantic Misunderstanding. I'm running out of ways to say that these guys are the worst spies ever, so just imagine I said something witty and cutting about Johnny's epic sense of timing.
And then, after Johnny informs his bosom buddy that he lied to Anemone about Burke never loving her, we get a literal "crickets chirping" moment. No, seriously.
Night loomed over them like a huge, engulfing specter. Crickets sang. A deer crashed through the hickories beyond the road, stared at them, and bolted back to the wood from which it had come.
And a lonely tumbleweed rolled by in the distance.
So as I'm laughing my ass off at the mental image of these two just standing there and staring at each other while the crickets chirp at them, Burke finally decides to snap out of his brief hypnosis and punches Johnny in the face. For the first and last time in this book, gentle readers, I cheered for Buffalo Burke. Didn't we all?
Once Johnny recovers from his bosom buddy's right hook, he asks Burke if they could maybe settle this later – mate, you started it. I believe the scientific term is "fuck around and find out". Burke realizes that Johnny's kind of right, though, and moves to leave, but is stopped by his best friend confessing that he... totally thinks Anemone is cool now.
No, seriously.
"I do care..." Johnny called. He staggered to his feet, sounding weary. "She has wit and... style... and... courage. I hope one day she'll forgive me... and you will, too."
Not the kind of confession you were expecting, eh?
So after Johnny does a majestic character 180 for no reason on God's green earth that I can discern, Burke leaves to rescue his one and only, and is amazed to divine somehow that they were totally in true lurve all along, they just had so little trust in the other's feelings that they ended up borking up their relationship completely. Somehow, that makes him happy instead of realizing that their romance is more toxic than Pripyat pond water, and he pauses to regret all the heinous things they said to each other. Holy shit, some humanity! Then, naturally, he thinks about how holding her again in his manly arms will fix it all; hate to rain on your parade, my man, but what if she doesn't want– wait, I forgot what book I'm recapping, nevermind.
So as Burke goes back inside to look for his lady love, he runs into De Vauban, who pauses to look smug when Burke asks if he's seen Anemone, then Burke pauses to look smug when De Vauban asks if he's seen Lord Bromford. As they're trying to out-smug each other, Bergeron appears saying that he can't find his Lordship anywhere, and De Vauban finally has enough of the measuring contest and just makes Bergeron point a gun at Burke. Thank you. Then the two super mega conspirators decide to take Burke to the library, where Burke pounces and manages to wrestle the gun away from Bergeron... but
Still, Buffalo Burke getting hit on the head is my new happy place for the rest of this recap.
While One Eye Jones is grinning evilly above Burke heaped on the floor, De Vauban, as the one currently in charge of the communal braincell, tells him to stop standing around and get Burke down the secret passage too before someone sees them. Thank you. However, someone does actually see them because then the Spider a.k.a. Oliver Fenwicke (that has to be the most British name I've ever heard) himself teleports into the scene... and he immediately chews out De Vauban for inviting the entire super mega spy guild to the murder ball and ruining their eeeeevil plan. Not going to disagree there. And then I laughed very hard when Oliver thinks of "all the riches they would reap when Napoleon had conquered Europe". So that's what they were trying to accomplish. By killing a guy.
They might not be very smart men, but my goodness, do they not lack confidence.
Anyway, De Vauban notes that Oliver is so ruthless and cunning it even makes him nervous to be around the guy – keep those adjectives in mind for later – and tells him they can still question Burke and Anemone about Lord Bromford's current location. Oliver does something halfway intelligent (do I even need to say it?) and says that Anemone might not be easy to break, but they might make Burke talk by hurting her.
And then One Eye says something so beautiful, I almost cried. From laughter.
"We should have butchered Bromford the moment he set foot in New Orleans, as I wanted from the first!" he growled. With an effort, he managed to drag Stephen upright. "Quickly – a gang of men could have rushed him, slit his throat, cut him apart before anyone had time to move – and then it would have been done. Look where all your clever planning has brought us – to the edge of failure!"
That was less a plothole poke and more a plothole dropkick. One Eye is officially my new favorite character in this book.
So after I Mcfreakin' lost it at that shining moment of sanity, Oliver snatches back the communal braincell from his cartoon henchman and tells him that they'll just question the two loving lovers, then come up with a new plan based on what they get out of them. De Vauban tells Oliver that he has a score to settle with Anemone in particular, and the gang of villains who make Dr. Doofenshmirtz look like Lex Luthor end the chapter by beginning to drag Burke's unconscious form down the secret passage.
Two chapters left to go. I'm not ready for this absolute rollercoaster ride to end, gentle readers, but end it will, and very soon – see you tomorrow, with the epic
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