Book Recap: Moonlit Obsession, Chapter 25

Greetings, gentle readers!

Today is a special day... because we are finishing Moonlit Obsession. Only chapter 25 and 26 left to go. So let's get right into one of the most underwhelming book finales I have ever read!

Pictured once again: me trying to keep up with the silliness in this chapter.

Chapter 25: She's Surrounded By Idiots

Previously on Moonlit Obsession: the hilarity reached some truly unexpected levels as the book hurtles towards its epic finale, like a train towards a tunnel that was painted on the wall by Wile E. Coyote. After uniquely-named spy Anemone Carstairs got captured by the enemy, her creepy love Stephen Burke finally found out that the Big Romantic Misunderstanding was, in fact, a misunderstanding, and rushed to her rescue... only to get hit on the head and knocked out. Then I cried from laughter when the bad guys' cartoon henchman pointed out how stupid the eeeeevil plan is in the most epic self-drag I've ever seen in a book, after which the gang of scoundrels began descending into De Vauban's secret dungeon, ready to interrogate Burke and his lady love.

Chapter 25 starts with Anemone tied up in a stereotypical gross underground dungeon with rats, dank air, and only a few chairs, a table and some crates and barrels for company. When I was discussing this book with my friends back in the day, one of them made a very interesting observation: a quick Google search enlightened them that basements and underground passages in Louisiana don't really... exist, since there's too much water in the soil to make them safe to have around (they'd be at the risk of caving or flooding). In other words, the climax of this book just had a nice big red X drawn through it.

As Anemone wrestles with her fear in De Vauban's plothole pocket dimension, she tries to free herself from the ropes around her wrists, but no dice. For once, she shows some spark by thinking that she has to find a way out of here because a lot is at stake. She then looks around the dungeon for something to use, and spots a crate with a sharp-looking nail sticking out of it a few feet away.

Since whoever tied her up must have passed the communal braincell to someone else, Anemone's feet aren't tied and she manages to sort of scoot the chair over to the crate. Then we get treated to a mostly-effective description of her maneuvering the crate and herself into a position that allows her to start rubbing the rope against... the sharpest nail Louisiana has ever seen, because her restraints end up actually coming apart after some time and effort. Okay then.

Right on the heels of Anemone freeing herself, she hears people approaching from above, and she scrambles to put everything back the way it was and pretend to still be tied up... except she strips off her "encumbering" gloves and puts them into her pocket before she puts the rope back on her wrists. Why did she do that? Say it with me – fuck you for asking, that's why.

The Three Stooges – De Vauban, Bergeron and Davy One Eye Jones – descend the stairs and dump Burke, still knocked out, on the floor in a heap. After briefly panicking at the sight, Anemone spots Oliver coming into the dungeon following his gang of cartoon villains, and De Vauban introduces him as the Spider. There's a genuinely very good description of Anemone wrestling with the realization, then she asks Oliver why he would betray England, giving him the opportunity to launch into a motive rant as per villain etiquette.

Turns out he turned evil because he didn't get knighted for his service as a spy. No, seriously.

While Oliver painstakingly explains his own character to the readers, Burke starts stirring on the ground, but Anemone does her best to distract the super mega conspirators from noticing that he's starting to wake up. Fortunately for her, she's surrounded by idiots.

One Eye, Bergeron and De Vauban were all watching Oliver, engrossed in his story. She wanted to keep it that way.

Sure, there's a man in the room who isn't even remotely tied up and could wake up at any moment to make life difficult for them, but screw doing anything like restraining him before that could happen. I mean, Oliver's spinning a yarn! That's more interesting!

As I'm headdesking again, Oliver reveals that his whole motivation is being sore that he didn't get "that distinctive and pecularly British honor", which is funny because it's not like a spy can or should become famous for spying– wait, I forgot about Anemone's dad, nevermind. Turns out Oliver got snubbed from a knighthood because the higher-ups discovered that he stole some money in his youth at some point; apparently that was enough to disqualify him despite years of service to the country afterwards, because the Lord and the plot of this book work in mysterious ways. Anemone tries to comprehend the stupidity of this plot point– I mean, Oliver betraying her beloved country for money and for confusing revenge. Then we have a moment I actually liked a lot when Anemone asks Oliver about all the people who died for his villainy.

"How do you sleep at night, Oliver?"

"Quite peacefully. My dear, you are looking at a very contented man."

Her face blazed at him in the candlelight. "I am looking at a particularly ugly specimen of vermin."

Oliver shrugged. "Your opinion is of no importance to me. [...]"

Oliver, you might suck as an evil mastermind, but I kind of love you right now.

So after Oliver no-sells Anemone's... shining wit, I laughed very hard because De Vauban gets fed up with the motive rant and tells him to shut up and kindly focus on what they came here for in the first place, namely interrogating Anemone and her muscular love. Thank you. He also ends up revealing to Anemone that Lord Bromford went missing from the murder ball, which gives her hope that their mission can still succeed, and she decides to keep them talking until Burke wakes up. One Eye actually looks at Burke and kicks him to check if he's awake (!), but because the villains in his book all suffer from terminal Dumbass Disease, it doesn't occur to any of them to tie up the guy while they still can. Wow.

To distract the Three Stooges and Oliver Twist Fenwicke from the fact that Burke is very obviously waking up, Anemone mocks De Vauban, who responds by calling her a slut – lovely – and tells One Eye to cut her with a knife in retaliation for her insulting him. I then just kind of gaped at the book because when One Eye takes out a dagger from... somewhere (the description only mentions his waistband), Oliver tells Bergeron to grab Burke and bring him closer, because he should see what they're about to do to his lady love. Only for Burke, who has CLEARLY been awake for some time, to suddenly knock One Eye over and spring to his feet as Anemone leaps off her chair too.

Maybe you should have tied him up. Y'know. Just a thought.

GOD.

We then get a paragraph the size of a brick where everybody is fighting everybody. Burke takes on One Eye and Bergeron while Anemone actually shows some damn competence for once: she holds Oliver and then De Vauban at bay and then grabs One Eye's knife from the floor. The fight scene is not terrible at first, until we get some description fail...

Like quicksilver she was up, the knife lifted ominously in her hand.

...but De Vauban gets kneed in the balls by Anemone, so there's that to cheer at. Never thought I'd say this, but hell yeah, Sea Urchin. But then I laughed very hard.

Oliver, who had been watching both ongoing battles in disbelief, started toward her, but she made a quick upward motion with the knife.

So... you're telling me... that as everybody was fighting everybody... Oliver just kind of stood there. And then when he finally thinks to do something, one flick with a knife is enough to keep him at bay.

Our villain, everyone.

While One Eye and Burke are still duking it out, Anemone "kept Oliver and De Vauban at bay with the knife" and I keep laughing my ass off at the mental image of the two super mega conspirators just kind of standing there (okay, I think De Vauban is still rolling on the floor after that gonad kick, but the writing phrases it like he'd totally be attacking Anemone if she didn't have her pointy bit o' metal). One Eye, at least, tries his best to do his duty as a cartoon henchman and fights Burke "with the ferocity of a rhinoceros" – interesting choice of comparison there – but, of course, ends up losing and getting knocked out. Burke turns around and sees Anemone and "the two men she had bested and subdued" – which mostly happened because Oliver was just kind of standing there – and knocks down De Vauban while Oliver stares in disbelief at what just happened.

So do I, Oliver. So do I.

Burke asks Anemone if she's okay, then he does something halfway intelligent in comparison to the cartoon villains and actually thinks to tie them up. As much as I gag at having to say this, well done, my man. The narration chooses to point out that they tie the men's feet as well – thank you for another plothole poke, you barely leave me with anything to do here. Then Anemone and Burke finally leave the pocket dimension and go upstairs, where Anemone goes a little weak in the knees. After what she's been through, for once I'm not going to riff on that.

Burke leads his lady love to a chair in the library, spares some threats for De Vauban when he finds out that the guy hit Anemone, then he tenderly dabs with a handkerchief at her injuries. Alas, him suddenly discovering his long-lost human side comes a little too late after all the fuckery he's already treated us to. Anemone remembers her dad and panics, but Burke says he's probably already been rescued by Johnny and the gang. Thank you for mercy-killing the last wheezing, stumbling bit of tension in this book. Nothing left now but to wrap up the Big Romantic Misunderstanding so I can drink away my last few braincells with some Pepsi. Let's go!

Burke calls Anemone "my love", to her surprise, and takes her in his manly arms as he says that he knows what Johnny said to her on the Sea Lion. She's obviously shocked and tries to pull back, but – try not to faint from surprise when I say this – Burke refuses to let her go. He tells her that he totally loves her despite all the heinous shit he said and did to her after the first second he suspected her of turning against him – okay, he only says he loves her, but I'm not letting that go. And then I laughed very hard when Anemone tries to digest what she just heard.

Was this some cruel, horrible jest he was playing on her – or part of some new plan he had concocted with Johnny?

Despite him pouring out his black, desiccated heart to her, Anemone's first reaction still is to doubt him. Romance!

Anyway, after that fail, Anemone divines from Burke's loving gaze that he's telling her the truth, and then I laughed very, very hard.

"Anemone, I love you," he said, with that husky yearning in his voice that turned her knees to taffy.

Taffy?! AHAHAHAHAHA– okay, sorry. Moving on.

So they kiss, it's more purple than Szinyei Merse Pál's painting Lady in Violet (yes, I'm shilling my favorite artworks in the middle of the big romantic finale, deal with it), then after some choice words at Johnny, Burke decides he totally wants her right now... but maybe not in De Vauban's house. For once, he and I are on the same page. (Ew. I wanna get off that page.) They climb through the window so they won't run into any guests from the ball while looking like hell, find some very convenient horses Johnny and the gang left for them, and ride to the harbor.

Naturally, Mr. Carstairs has been rescued already and they find him waiting on the Sea Lion, where he lets them know that a doctor has taken care of Lord Bromford's poisoning and he'll be fine come morning. Since everything was wrapped up so neatly because the villains were idiots, I'm skimming the rest. Anemone and Burke get their ouchies tended to as well, then they cuddle in his cabin, Burke tells her to go to sleep, and Anemone decides that she's hornier than she's sleepy, so the narration very purply implies that they do the do to end the chapter.

Only one chapter left to go, dear readers – I can hardly wait!