Book Recap: Moonlit Obsession, Chapter 23

Welcome back, gentle readers!

My apologies for not posting a recap yesterday; I do still absolutely intend to finish this book by the end of the month, but I was feeling a bit under the weather. And since I wouldn't show up with anything but me at my recapping best for y'all to enjoy (I mean, not sure if my best is any good, but hey, I do try), I decided not to attempt to force-start the sporking brain if it went offline. I am back with more bad though, so let's begin!

Warning: today's chapter includes a very brief moment where the heroine gets hurt by yet another male character; I glossed over it because it's nothing new and I didn't feel the need to dwell, but it is there. Take care.

Pictured: me reacting to all the masterful plotting in this chapter. Thank you for your service again, Deadfall.

Chapter 23: The Conga Line of Fail

Last time on Moonlit Obsession: after a whole bunch of very silly plot revelations, useless angst and Sea Urchin Anemone Carstairs getting manhandled by her creepy love interest for the umpteenth time, we've finally arrived at the start of the big finale to this story. Since Monsieur De Vauban is apparently the horniest Frenchman in America, one good look at Anemone's cleavage convinced him to invite her and her muscular love, Stephen Burke, to a private ball he's organizing at his... plantation. (Still not touching that.) Since all the characters kept assuring each other and the audience that De Vauban isn't stupid enough to try and murder a high-profile public figure like Lord Bromford during his own damn party, I absolutely cannot see where this plot is going. Like, at all.

Chapter 23 starts by praising the elegance and grandeur of De Vauban's house, and I'm moving past that one mighty quickly. The ballroom and the party inside are described in way more detail than I care about, then Anemone and Burke go to meet De Vauban, and Anemone muses whether he schemes as masterfully and intricately as he's organized this event. Spoiler from the future: no.

De Vauban and Anemone greet each other in such an over-the-top flirty way that I can only offer disbelieving laughter when the narration calls it "the subtle interplay", then when they actually start talking, Burke and he get into a pissing contest about American vs. French society that's so rude, I can yet again only laugh in disbelief. Jane Austen would shrill in horror at what these people seem to consider polite conversation. Of course, Anemone defends De Vauban and European society compared to "those barbarians who infest this lovely city", and I cough uncomfortably, adjust my collar and move on. (Yes, I know De Vauban is a villain character and Anemone is only acting – well, "acting" because she's way overdoing it – but this is still not a conversation I feel like having in my silly recap.)

De Vauban then wonders in his own POV "with a glimmer of malice" – subtle as a pie to the face, this book is – if Burke and his wife are pissed at each other after the invitation De Vauban sent them to his ball, with the message for Anemone that practically announced that he wishes to drape his manly form over her. He thinks about how he intends to have her even if she had nothing but a bit of flirting in mind, and I see the intricacy of the character building in this book still isn't letting us down. Then, as he's making introductions between the leads and Lord Bromford, I laughed very hard.

Yes, to complete his plans for Lord Bromford and seduce Burke's wife all in one night – it would be a challenge even for him.

Turns out De Vauban is, in fact, stupid enough to try and murder a guy under his own damn roof. Shocking, I know.

Anyway, his Lordship turns out to be a very stereotypical English lord, except for some description fail, because he apparently has "an air of bemused wisdom which sat well upon his large frame". 'Bemused wisdom' sounds like a bit of an oxymoron to me, and don't even ask how it can sit well on someone, but hey, I'm not a published writer. At least not in English.

Anyway, Anemone thinks about how she refuses to let Lord Bromford get killed, then Burke privately tells her that De Vauban will seek her out soon and that he must have noticed "the discord between us" – no wonder, considering the subtlety they acted it out with. De Vauban would have to leave his eyes on his bedroom dresser to not notice that. Burke takes a long look at her as they talk; he thinks about how pretty Anemone is, and then I laughed very hard.

He would not allow his gaze to dip lower, to rest upon the creamy swell of bosom above her low-cut gown.

He still loves her so much that he wants to stare at her boobs. Out of love.

A description fail then turns Anemone into a plant because her hair is described as "silver blond tendrils", after which Burke collects himself and tells her that he'll contrive a way to leave her alone after some dancing, so De Vauban can approach her. Anemone tells him to stay close to Lord Bromford because she Just Knows something will happen tonight – congratulations on arriving where the rest of us already are, ma'am. Burke reassures her that all the super mega spies in the vicinity will keep an eye out tonight, then they dance the quadrille, and after that Burke departs to "subtly" leave Anemone alone for De Vauban to find. Anemone shills Burke's hotness as she looks at all the women making googly eyes at him, and angsts some more about Just Knowing that Johnny must have told her the truth, because why would a guy this hot want her when he can have anyone. True love, y'all.

De Vauban once again vaults headlong across the room to talk to Anemone – smooth – and she flirts with him again, then he stares at her boobs, because of course. After some more of them dancing the mating dance, De Vauban is about to take her someplace more private – smooth – when the Hotel Bergeron's owner, who is a suspected murder ball conspirator, runs up to him all out of breath and tells him they have to talk. Then De Vauban introduces "Madame Burke" to the guy.

She greeted the owner of the Hotel Bergeron cordially, yet noted that his face, as he learned her name, grew pale. Or was that her imagination? Did his eyes really glitter coldly as he bowed over her hand, or was she reading far too much into a simple introduction?

SUPER MEGA SPY!

Ma'am, you suck at reading people.

After that epic fail at spying, Bergeron all but drags De Vauban away to the library to talk, and ends up running straight into a waiter, who dumps a bunch of champagne glasses over him when they collide. Anemone uses the "seemingly providential diversion" – try "contrived," my dear – to leave, and then I laughed very hard.

She skimmed through the crowd like a pebble skirting nimbly across waves [...]

I presume she then gently drifted up the stairs the way a bowling ball wouldn't. What is with all the description fails in this chapter?!

So Anemone hurries through the crowd like a... pebble and goes to super mega spy yet again, trying to make it to De Vauban's library before he and Bergeron enter so she can eavesdrop. She bursts into the room just in time, but the only hiding place she can find before the two super mega conspirators come in is the closet. Oh, noez! There's a mostly-effective paragraph of her struggling with her claustrophobia – well done, book – but then De Vauban and Bergeron are in the room, and the conga line of fail begins.

De Vauban asks what the matter is, and Bergeron tells him that Long John Silver One Eye Jones is here because something's wrong, then the man himself steps into the room. When One Eye speaks, Anemone briefly thinks that he sounds cruel and guttural – subtle as a kick to the nuts, this book is – then De Vauban tells him that he wasn't supposed to come until way later to "spirit Bromford's body away for the butchering". He makes it sound so whimsical! After some "tension", De Vauban reveals that he laced Lord Bromford's drink with something and that the guy should be starting to feel sick right about now. Right in front of everyone else at the party. Because these super mega conspirators are all idiots, apparently.

Calico Jack One Eye Jones then drops the bombshell: the Spider captured Thomas Carstairs, who is slightly less dead than De Vauban thought... but not for long, because they've been interrogating him for the past few hours. Anemone is, of course, panicked and angry at the revelation; she thinks about how she has to find Burke soon so they can whisk his Lordship away and then go rescue her dad, knowing exactly where to go find him because One Eye was kind enough to name-drop the place where they're holding Mr. Carstairs captive. Thank you, One Eye.

De Vauban tries to argue that Mr. Carstairs being alive and in town is bad but not bad bad, because the plan is already underway. But then Bergeron tells him the Spider also revealed that Anemone, alias "Madame Burke", is another Carstairs and another spy.

After Anemone has a Dramatic Prairie Dog moment in the closet (what a sentence), One Eye says "in a hissing growl" – that must be a very interesting acoustic effect – that De Vauban forked up their masterful conspiracy by inviting Burke and Anemone to his own murder ball. Not going to disagree there. De Vauban is, of course, pissed off at being tricked, and says that they'll take care of Burke and his lady love, but right now their plan is more important. Then De Vauban shows that he truly knows his villain etiquette by painstakingly explaining the plan, which the other two must already be familiar with, so Anemone and the readers can find out exactly what they're trying to do. Thank you, Monsieur De Vauban.

And what a plan it is. Turns out that the potion De Vauban slipped into his Lordship's drink is about to make him very headachy and nauseous so that he'll need a lie down... then De Vauban will offer him a room for the night, and once the party is over One Eye will spirit away his Lordship to Scar-Footed Mattie's to disassemble him. De Vauban is even kind enough to name-drop the people whose ship will ferry the bits o' Bromford back to England, which we didn't know until now, nor particularly cared about. But now we know, I guess.

My brain worm population spike theory is gaining more traction with every word out of these people's mouths.

So after the readers all get a head injury from how dumb that plan is and how De Vauban just "as you know"-d the whole thing at us out of the kindness of his heart, he asks One Eye about Mr. Carstairs, and One Eye complains that their interrogation can't get a word out of the guy about his daughter and her creepy love. De Vauban tells him that he and Bergeron will go grab Burke and Anemone now and bring them to the library... and then I laughed very hard because he just opens the closet door and finds Anemone there.

SUPER MEGA SPY!

Children, this is why it's ill-advised to eavesdrop on a conversation by being right freaking there and praying very hard to Lady Luck.

After De Vauban points out how fortunate it is that Anemone delivered herself to them on a silver platter, with Bergeron and One Eye "gazing at her in open-mouthed amazement" – I'm choosing to read that as even them not believing how silly this plot point is – Anemone tries to put on a calm front and walk out of the closet. Try not to faint from surprise when I say this, but De Vauban grabs her and refuses to let her go. He then reveals that there's a reason he opened the closet door other than "because the author said so" – turns out there's a secret passage behind the closet wall! I think hiding it behind a bookshelf would have been more cliche classic, but nice to see a man who takes his bad spy tropes seriously.

Anemone tries to talk her way out of her predicament by saying she's not going anywhere, and telling De Vauban that his plan is doomed to fail – smooth – then De Vauban tells her that she's so going underground, and that the two of them have some... unfinished business between them. Anemone tells him not to touch her because it grosses her out – smooth – and it pisses De Vauban off so much that he hits her, because of course.

Dazed, Anemone stares at the conspirators and we find out that One Eye is pretty much a cartoon character, because he has an actual honest-to-god eye patch and is a "huge, ugly, scarred man with a gaping, evil smile and foul breath". Subtle as a car crash, this book is. She then eyes Bergeron and De Vauban too, but we've already met them, and all she tells us now is that Bergeron looks grim and nervous and De Vauban just looks eeeeeevil. So, nothing new there. She insults De Vauban some more – smooth – then he calls her a bitch – lovely – and tells her to go down the stairs already because time's a-wasting. We end the chapter by Anemone realizing there's nothing she can do...

SUPER MEGA SPY!

...gave her that one on principle, then she descends into the dark.

What a journey, gentle readers! My sincerest apologies for saying that things would turn less hilarious after chapter 22. I guess I just didn't have enough faith in this book's ability to surprise me with more and more bad on every page.

Until next time!