Welcome back to my action movie rogues' gallery, dear readers! I'm in a hurry this time because this segment of Bridge of Dragons has one of my favorite dumbass action movie scenes ever filmed (I think you'll know it when you see it in the recap), so let's get right into it. Ready, steady, action!
ACT 2: CAN YOU FEEL THE ABS TONIGHT?
Last time on Bridge of Dragons: Princess Halo has cleverly escaped from her unwanted marriage to General Ruechang... which she's accomplished mostly because all of the palace guard had suddenly lost every single way to notice her as she went past them, like vision, hearing, or the Spidey Sense. Off she rode into the middle of the day! Prince Gun is on her trail, of course, but Halo has bigger problems right now: deep in the woods, she's been cornered by a gang of bandits dressed like Rambo extras on their way to be the shepherds in a Nativity play. With bad teeth, of course; maybe toothpaste is a rich people thing in the Kingdom of Anachronia.
So how does Halo get out of this tight spot? Why, by immediately telling the bandits to leave her alone, because she's the princess. That's right: she lets them know that not only is she an attractive young woman alone in the woods with a very valuable horse, but she's an attractive young woman alone in the woods with a very valuable horse who could also bring the bandits some serious cash, if they were to grab her and turn her in to Ruechang. What a tactical genius – I can see why Prince Gun would be into her.
The bandit leader, whose black tooth paint is slowly flaking off as he speaks (bless this movie) no-sells Halo's, uh, fierce intimidation. On her trek here Halo has somehow forgotten all her Ring of Dung martial prowess, so after that she resorts to a total girlboss moment... and just starts begging them to let her go. On her knees. Wow. Since that only opens the door for a very unfortunate proposal from the gentlemen, Halo grabs a hidden knife and stabs the bandit leader – looking as surprised that she did it as he does. She attempts to run for it, but is caught and roughed up by the remaining bandits (tasteful as always, Mr. Florentine). But before something unspeakable could happen, like another round of undignified begging, Prince Gun teleports into the scene to set things right! Hallelujah!
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| Swoon. |
Once the bandits are disposed of, despite them doing their best to stand in one place and wait to be gunned down, Halo tells Prince Gun exactly what she's planning to do next. No, seriously, she tells him to let Ruechang know that she's aware he killed her father and she's planning to find some rebels, make an army, and fight him. Oh, Halo... it's not your brains we love you for, as we Hungarians say.
Prince Gun somehow isn't impressed with Halo's devastating argument of "I'll tell you all of my plans and then you're gonna let me go to carry them out", and decides to take her back anyway. Alas, he falls for the Princess's masterful "I'm totally going with you, but first I need you to grab something I left out of your line of sight for me while I'm absolutely not gonna run away, pinky promise" strategy (oh, Prince Gun... at least he's handsome), and Halo runs away.
And then she gets captured again. Still not kidding, folks: as Prince Gun is frolicking through the bushes on her trail, he finds Halo's horse, and then Halo herself, bundled up in a net and surrounded by more dapper unwashed gentlemen. Turns out that during her daring escape, she got offscreened by a gang of kidnappers who take young women, shackle them, and trade them to other men who uh... have the women tidy up their houses and then let them go. Yeah. Let's all just pretend that this is what they do. Jesus, this script...
Luckily for Halo, Prince Gun actually rides a horse to her rescue (!) and guns down half the gang in one go, since most of them literally can't aim to save their lives. He then kicks a table on fire through the air (!!) and shoots a crate with a giant EXPLOSIVES written on the side (!!!), which has the expected effect. Once enough kidnappists are dead, on fire or both, Prince Gun frees Halo, then passes out because he took a shot to the gut several explosions ago, and it started kind of bothering him when the last kidnappist hit him in the bullet hole with a staff.
He then comes to at night with a campfire and the Princess nearby. Turns out that, in gratitude for the rescue, Halo had taken Prince Gun's shirt off (okay, I'm with you so far), then tended to his injuries by lightly pressing a pad of flimsy white stuff to his stomach and wrapping a random strip of whatever around it three times. Come on, movie... That bandage is so bad, the guy should be dead from blood loss. Nonetheless, this brings them close enough to have a conversation about Halo's shitfighting adventures, and about her plans to bring Ruechang down.
Nice to see your grammar hasn't improved since yesterday, ma'am.
Despite their sudden camaraderie, Prince Gun easily outsmarts Halo this time (maybe the adrenaline made him remember that his actor actually has a Master's degree – not a joke, look him up), and takes her back to an army camp the next day. While waiting for Ruechang, he tells Halo that the guy is basically his evil father figure, so he's totally loyal to him... then he immediately changes his mind when Ruechang climbs out of another Evilcopter and smacks Halo to the ground. Yes, Prince Gun can excuse murder, but he draws the line at abusing women. (You can excuse murder?!)
I am going to describe what happens next as clearly as possible; much like the villain's cartoon death in U.S. SEALs 2, though, you likely won't believe me unless you see it for yourself. You see, when Ruechang hits Halo, Prince Gun makes another moldy macaroni face in horror and roundhouse kicks the General in the head, so hard that his stunt double does a triple axel skating spin in the air before falling to the ground. Prince Gun then grabs Halo and runs to an Evilcopter, despite the entire camp shooting at them with all they have, and the two of them make their getaway. All this is done half in slo-mo and half at normal speed, set to a soundtrack of a Gregorian choir chanting 'Alleluia' repeatedly, while a guy in a bear suit dances in the background.
Out of everything I just said, I only made up the guy in the bear suit.
Since Prince Gun can read Cyrillic (all the chopper's controls are labeled in Cyrillic letters, your guess is as good as mine), he successfully flies away from the camp, and the lovebirds-in-the-making share more awkward banter, this time about Prince Gun's piloting skills.
He then comes to at night with a campfire and the Princess nearby. Turns out that, in gratitude for the rescue, Halo had taken Prince Gun's shirt off (okay, I'm with you so far), then tended to his injuries by lightly pressing a pad of flimsy white stuff to his stomach and wrapping a random strip of whatever around it three times. Come on, movie... That bandage is so bad, the guy should be dead from blood loss. Nonetheless, this brings them close enough to have a conversation about Halo's shitfighting adventures, and about her plans to bring Ruechang down.
Halo: "If I join the rebels, they will be on the side of right."
Nice to see your grammar hasn't improved since yesterday, ma'am.
Despite their sudden camaraderie, Prince Gun easily outsmarts Halo this time (maybe the adrenaline made him remember that his actor actually has a Master's degree – not a joke, look him up), and takes her back to an army camp the next day. While waiting for Ruechang, he tells Halo that the guy is basically his evil father figure, so he's totally loyal to him... then he immediately changes his mind when Ruechang climbs out of another Evilcopter and smacks Halo to the ground. Yes, Prince Gun can excuse murder, but he draws the line at abusing women. (You can excuse murder?!)
I am going to describe what happens next as clearly as possible; much like the villain's cartoon death in U.S. SEALs 2, though, you likely won't believe me unless you see it for yourself. You see, when Ruechang hits Halo, Prince Gun makes another moldy macaroni face in horror and roundhouse kicks the General in the head, so hard that his stunt double does a triple axel skating spin in the air before falling to the ground. Prince Gun then grabs Halo and runs to an Evilcopter, despite the entire camp shooting at them with all they have, and the two of them make their getaway. All this is done half in slo-mo and half at normal speed, set to a soundtrack of a Gregorian choir chanting 'Alleluia' repeatedly, while a guy in a bear suit dances in the background.
Out of everything I just said, I only made up the guy in the bear suit.
Since Prince Gun can read Cyrillic (all the chopper's controls are labeled in Cyrillic letters, your guess is as good as mine), he successfully flies away from the camp, and the lovebirds-in-the-making share more awkward banter, this time about Prince Gun's piloting skills.
Prince Gun: "I guess it's been a while."
Princess Halo: "Quite a while."
Prince Gun: [makes the same face as the audience at that ghost of an attempt at snark]
Alas, another Evilcopter soon tracks them down and tries to make a sieve out of the chopper's hull, until the zeroes are forced to land so they won't crash. Their chopper then explodes, because of course, which gets the two leads to do a Kaboom Salto themselves – pretty mid, but it wasn't their stunt doubles doing it, so points for effort at least. The enemy chopper informs them that they don't want to harm Halo, then immediately begins shooting at them both. Go figure.
But fear not, gentle readers, for a band of very convenient rebels show up at this exact moment, and they shoot the Evilcopter down! (Do I even need to add this point that it explodes?) They take Halo and her manly love to their camp; but, since Prince Gun has been steadily exterminating the rebel forces until now, for some reason they aren't very happy to see him. How will Halo talk them down from wanting to harm her one and only? Find out next time, in ACT 3: THESE DUMBASS DELIGHTS HAVE DUMBER ENDS!
But fear not, gentle readers, for a band of very convenient rebels show up at this exact moment, and they shoot the Evilcopter down! (Do I even need to add this point that it explodes?) They take Halo and her manly love to their camp; but, since Prince Gun has been steadily exterminating the rebel forces until now, for some reason they aren't very happy to see him. How will Halo talk them down from wanting to harm her one and only? Find out next time, in ACT 3: THESE DUMBASS DELIGHTS HAVE DUMBER ENDS!
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