Hello, everyone. This is Oculus Recaps, which is a thing now, apparently.
Yes, here I go again like Whitesnake: after the unexpected amount of fun I had snarking at my dearest U.S. SEALs 2, I figured I'd sacrifice a few more braincells to revisit some of my other beloved Nu Image masterpieces. Undisputed 3 is way too unironically good for me to poke fun of, but there is another gem I have been meaning to return to and feature on this blog. That would be the 1999 action-adventure-romance Bridge of Dragons, which doesn't have a single bridge nor a dragon in it, as far as I recall. It does, however, have a lantern-jawed Action Man fighting an evil general for the love of a feisty princess, and said lantern-jawed looker is played by one of my favorite Action Man crushes: Dolph Lundgren. And who else would direct such high-octane cinema than Master Isaac Florentine himself?
I love Bridge of Dragons, dear readers, even when it hurts my head, and I'm here to make you love it too. Crash helmets on, sporks out, painkillers in hand, let's begin right away with Act 1!
ACT 1: ONCE UPON A TIME, IN A LAND OF BULLSHIT AND GUNS...
We open the movie with some text in a vaguely-medieval Eyesore Gothic font, reading "Someplace, where the future meets the past..." Translation: "We refuse to tell you where, when and how this movie is taking place, so we can cram in as much random bullshit as we like without explaining how it fits together". Just getting that cleared up in time for you, dear readers – this movie is about as coherent in its storytelling as Vampire Beat. And then, in a seamless display of visual craftsmanship, we fade from the text to... more text but in a different font! This time it's a scroll, letting us know that the King of the Kingdom (what's the Kingdom's name? Fuck you for asking, that's what, because we never find out) died and the Princess is too young to rule. So the evil, I mean, "ambitious" General Ruechang is taking over the country and everything sucks. In other words, we're in a fairytale with guns, God help us all.
Then, in a military camp full of corpses, machine guns, barbed wire and random fires, actor of my heart Dolph Lundgren makes his first appearance with a band of other ragtag hatchet-faced dudes. His character's name is Prince Gun.
Okay, no, it's not. The movie gives his name as, I shit you not, Warchild. But I'm sticking with Prince Gun because he's this beefed-up Disney movie's resident heartthrob (I know, I know, even I snorted when I typed that and I just admitted to having a bit of a soft spot for Mr. Lundgren); and frankly, the one I gave him is the less ridiculous nickname of the two.
Steve from Road House (not me being a dick this time either, it's the same actor) then pops up and lets the audience know the camp belongs to rebels against Ruechang's rule, and Prince Gun's crew is here to deal with them. Thank you, Steve. "Dealing with the rebels" in this case means "let's drive two completely unarmored trucks in a straight line, and in broad daylight, into the camp while most of the remaining rebels are merrily firing away at us with machine guns". Alas, Prince Gun's enemies can't compete with such tactical brilliance, and he mows them down easily with his own automatic peashooter before the opening credits are even done fading out.
Then, barely three minutes in, we get our first Action Movie Kaboom Salto with one of the rebels. That is my scientific term for a certain classic bad action flick stunt, in which some poor shmuck gets caught in an explosion, and it hurls him through the air in a graceful arc (Wilhelm scream optional) instead of shredding him to kibble. This was one of the nicer ones I've seen, but he fumbled the landing; I give it four AK-47's out of five.
When the obligatory explosion, machine gun and rocket launcher choreography is done with, some helicopters with the number 666 painted on the side land in the camp. Then a bunch of soldier dudes in Third Reich regalia, minus the insignia, climb out of them.
Did y'all think I was fucking with you? That'll teach y'all to doubt the masterful storytelling only Nu Image movies can give us.
Last to come out of the Evilcopters is General Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa, wearing the pleasant smile of a man who's just finished eating a box of kittens and kicking a bucket full of baby dolphins to death. He greets Prince Gun happily, but a captured rebel makes the smart move of threatening a man who travels in a helicopter with 666 written on the side, so Ruechang effortlessly martial artses him to death. Prince Gun watches the proceedings with a face like he just found a box of moldy mac and cheese in the back of the fridge, which is accentuated with a DRAMATIC ZOOM. I guess that means he disapproves.
In the next scene we meet the beautiful Princess Uzi (okay, her real name is Halo, but Princess Uzi also sounds less dumb than that), only daughter of the Nameless King, wearing a flower crown and a terribly-tailored white smock that looks at least half a size too big on her. Er, I mean, she's wearing the finest wedding dress the royal tailor has ever crafted. She's tired of playing dress-up, though, and dismisses the guy; then she has a Standard Rebellious Princess Autopilot conversation with her maid about not wanting to marry Ruechang tomorrow, because she wants love instead of duty. They smile cutely over a really cruel joke about the tailor killing himself because she doesn't like the dress, and okay, we're maybe two minutes into her screen time and Prince Gun is clearly too good for this woman. And he literally kicked a rebel in the balls not five minutes ago.
To really drive the originality of her character home, Halo then sneaks out of the palace for a last round of rebellious fun, wearing some serious disguise: a brown coat with a hood that leaves her whole damn face completely exposed for everyone to see. Hi, Jasmine from Aladdin. Despite her looking exactly like the only princess of the realm, no one bats an eye at her as she leaves the palace and goes to her favorite hangout. That place turns out to be a run-down shack of a pub with dirty wooden walls, where people duke it out in a high-class fighting game of trying to knock each other off a bunch of logs into a thick layer of pig shit on the floor. Sounds like a good place to let your hair down, sure. I would love to hear the tale of how she discovered it.
Princess Halo, now competing in the Ring of Dung as a masked martial artist, spots who else but Prince Gun! He's smiling handsomely, drinking with Steve from Road House, and having himself a smelly good time in the fighting ring. Of course, he ends up having to fight Halo herself, who won the previous round against two guys with fair and square techniques like hitting her opponent in the nuts. She loses the duel with Prince Gun, though, when he flings some dung in her eyes (talk about a meet cute). But then she turns their battle into a lose-lose situation with another classy move: when Prince Gun gives her a hand to help her up from the floor, she yanks him down into the pig crap too and runs off. What a loveable rascal of a heroine!
When Halo (now covered in dung and shaken by the lost battle) makes it back to the palace, she finds Ruechang in her room, trying to threaten her location out of Lily the maid. Halo lets him know she doesn't appreciate his smarm when he tries to come on to her; Ruechang, every bit as classy as his bride, smacks her in the face and storms out. Of course, Halo and Lily are both upset by the encounter, and so am I, because this line is a hot mess.
Hello and good day, this is Oculus paging, hailing and calling the Department of Redundancy Department. I wish to report some really, really bad writing.
Anyway, that harsh Valley Girl-esque question finally convinces Lily to part with her greatest secret: she knows that Ruechang killed Halo's dad to take over the Kingdom, because she saw it happen. She was literally right there in the room with them, as it turns out. Why Lily has let Ruechang get away with the murder of the rightful ruler, a hostile takeover of the entire realm and the abuse of the Princess until less than a day before his wedding to Halo is anyone's guess. Lily simply says she was afraid of Ruechang because no one is powerful enough to oppose him, which shows the truly touching level of faith and confidence she has in the strength of her own people. (Srs Bsns Parentheses: dictatorships happen, I'm aware. But since everyone can already figure that Ruechang and the Evilcopters will be history by the end of this movie, this is another headscratcher as far as I'm concerned.)
After the shocking revelation that the villain of the movie is evil, the wedding seemingly goes on undisturbed the next day, with guests arriving on old-timey motorbikes, 1920's cars right next to the modern-day military trucks from earlier scenes, and of course, horse-drawn carriages. Too bad the design team left the Roman chariots out: they would have fit in perfectly with the scenery. After all, space is warped and time is bendable!*
*copyright: whoever said that in MST3K
Ruechang, meanwhile, is at the altar already with his entourage. Lily, Prince Gun and Steve from Road House are all in attendance too, and they watch in awe as Princess Halo makes her entrance, radiant with her shapeless wedding smock, gigantic dangly boho earrings and bland expression. She locks gazes with Prince Gun, who ends up recognizing the gorgeous pair of eyes he flung a handful of pig shit into just yesterday, but says nothing while the awkward ceremony goes on. Then, smart girl Halo fakes a faint and gets an hour's respite from the wedding to recover, which she uses to escape from the palace, because it is... apparently easier to do when everyone important in the country is here, maybe two floors down from her bedroom? Iunno, off she goes, making her getaway. By riding out on a horse. In broad daylight with her whole face visible. In that goddamn wedding smock. While a bunch of soldiers stand around and don't even look her way. Christ... The usual level of realism and intricate plotting we've come to expect from Master Florentine strikes again, I see.
Thanks to her, uh, masterful planning, Halo manages to get away from the palace before her escape is discovered by her husband-to-be. Despite everyone making a great effort not to see her as she went literally right past them, Ruechang somehow divines that she's headed east (I swear, you could drive a Boeing through the plotholes in this story). He gives Prince Gun, his most trusted underling, a week to bring her back.
While Prince Gun is out searching for the runaway bride, said bride gets off her horse and takes off the skirt of her wedding smock next to a small creek. Why she had to have it on if she had riding pants underneath this whole time is beyond me. But before I can get mad at this movie for giving me another dumbassery-induced headache with so many small details that in no way gel or make sense together... Halo is cornered by a gang of dirt-encrusted bandits! Oh, no!
Will the Princess get out of this pickle with her own razor-sharp wit, or does she need a Big Strong Man to ride to her rescue because she's dumber than a sack of hammers? What kind movie do you think we're watching if you had to even think about what the answer to that question is?
Last to come out of the Evilcopters is General Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa, wearing the pleasant smile of a man who's just finished eating a box of kittens and kicking a bucket full of baby dolphins to death. He greets Prince Gun happily, but a captured rebel makes the smart move of threatening a man who travels in a helicopter with 666 written on the side, so Ruechang effortlessly martial artses him to death. Prince Gun watches the proceedings with a face like he just found a box of moldy mac and cheese in the back of the fridge, which is accentuated with a DRAMATIC ZOOM. I guess that means he disapproves.
In the next scene we meet the beautiful Princess Uzi (okay, her real name is Halo, but Princess Uzi also sounds less dumb than that), only daughter of the Nameless King, wearing a flower crown and a terribly-tailored white smock that looks at least half a size too big on her. Er, I mean, she's wearing the finest wedding dress the royal tailor has ever crafted. She's tired of playing dress-up, though, and dismisses the guy; then she has a Standard Rebellious Princess Autopilot conversation with her maid about not wanting to marry Ruechang tomorrow, because she wants love instead of duty. They smile cutely over a really cruel joke about the tailor killing himself because she doesn't like the dress, and okay, we're maybe two minutes into her screen time and Prince Gun is clearly too good for this woman. And he literally kicked a rebel in the balls not five minutes ago.
To really drive the originality of her character home, Halo then sneaks out of the palace for a last round of rebellious fun, wearing some serious disguise: a brown coat with a hood that leaves her whole damn face completely exposed for everyone to see. Hi, Jasmine from Aladdin. Despite her looking exactly like the only princess of the realm, no one bats an eye at her as she leaves the palace and goes to her favorite hangout. That place turns out to be a run-down shack of a pub with dirty wooden walls, where people duke it out in a high-class fighting game of trying to knock each other off a bunch of logs into a thick layer of pig shit on the floor. Sounds like a good place to let your hair down, sure. I would love to hear the tale of how she discovered it.
Princess Halo, now competing in the Ring of Dung as a masked martial artist, spots who else but Prince Gun! He's smiling handsomely, drinking with Steve from Road House, and having himself a smelly good time in the fighting ring. Of course, he ends up having to fight Halo herself, who won the previous round against two guys with fair and square techniques like hitting her opponent in the nuts. She loses the duel with Prince Gun, though, when he flings some dung in her eyes (talk about a meet cute). But then she turns their battle into a lose-lose situation with another classy move: when Prince Gun gives her a hand to help her up from the floor, she yanks him down into the pig crap too and runs off. What a loveable rascal of a heroine!
When Halo (now covered in dung and shaken by the lost battle) makes it back to the palace, she finds Ruechang in her room, trying to threaten her location out of Lily the maid. Halo lets him know she doesn't appreciate his smarm when he tries to come on to her; Ruechang, every bit as classy as his bride, smacks her in the face and storms out. Of course, Halo and Lily are both upset by the encounter, and so am I, because this line is a hot mess.
Halo: "Did you just see what he just did?"
Hello and good day, this is Oculus paging, hailing and calling the Department of Redundancy Department. I wish to report some really, really bad writing.
Anyway, that harsh Valley Girl-esque question finally convinces Lily to part with her greatest secret: she knows that Ruechang killed Halo's dad to take over the Kingdom, because she saw it happen. She was literally right there in the room with them, as it turns out. Why Lily has let Ruechang get away with the murder of the rightful ruler, a hostile takeover of the entire realm and the abuse of the Princess until less than a day before his wedding to Halo is anyone's guess. Lily simply says she was afraid of Ruechang because no one is powerful enough to oppose him, which shows the truly touching level of faith and confidence she has in the strength of her own people. (Srs Bsns Parentheses: dictatorships happen, I'm aware. But since everyone can already figure that Ruechang and the Evilcopters will be history by the end of this movie, this is another headscratcher as far as I'm concerned.)
After the shocking revelation that the villain of the movie is evil, the wedding seemingly goes on undisturbed the next day, with guests arriving on old-timey motorbikes, 1920's cars right next to the modern-day military trucks from earlier scenes, and of course, horse-drawn carriages. Too bad the design team left the Roman chariots out: they would have fit in perfectly with the scenery. After all, space is warped and time is bendable!*
*copyright: whoever said that in MST3K
Ruechang, meanwhile, is at the altar already with his entourage. Lily, Prince Gun and Steve from Road House are all in attendance too, and they watch in awe as Princess Halo makes her entrance, radiant with her shapeless wedding smock, gigantic dangly boho earrings and bland expression. She locks gazes with Prince Gun, who ends up recognizing the gorgeous pair of eyes he flung a handful of pig shit into just yesterday, but says nothing while the awkward ceremony goes on. Then, smart girl Halo fakes a faint and gets an hour's respite from the wedding to recover, which she uses to escape from the palace, because it is... apparently easier to do when everyone important in the country is here, maybe two floors down from her bedroom? Iunno, off she goes, making her getaway. By riding out on a horse. In broad daylight with her whole face visible. In that goddamn wedding smock. While a bunch of soldiers stand around and don't even look her way. Christ... The usual level of realism and intricate plotting we've come to expect from Master Florentine strikes again, I see.
Thanks to her, uh, masterful planning, Halo manages to get away from the palace before her escape is discovered by her husband-to-be. Despite everyone making a great effort not to see her as she went literally right past them, Ruechang somehow divines that she's headed east (I swear, you could drive a Boeing through the plotholes in this story). He gives Prince Gun, his most trusted underling, a week to bring her back.
While Prince Gun is out searching for the runaway bride, said bride gets off her horse and takes off the skirt of her wedding smock next to a small creek. Why she had to have it on if she had riding pants underneath this whole time is beyond me. But before I can get mad at this movie for giving me another dumbassery-induced headache with so many small details that in no way gel or make sense together... Halo is cornered by a gang of dirt-encrusted bandits! Oh, no!
Will the Princess get out of this pickle with her own razor-sharp wit, or does she need a Big Strong Man to ride to her rescue because she's dumber than a sack of hammers? What kind movie do you think we're watching if you had to even think about what the answer to that question is?
To find out how the princess meets her true muscular love again, join me next time in ACT 2: CAN YOU FEEL THE ABS TONIGHT?
No comments:
Post a Comment