Greetings, gentle readers! I am back with more travesties, and I'm pleased to report that not only was today's chapter way too long and skin-crawlingly creepy, which means there was even more bad than usual for me to get mad at, but it's actually one of the genuinely funny ones in this book. Hence me wrapping up the day with a third recap posted.
Without further ado... enjoy!
Warning: there's some dubious consent in this chapter involving some making out, but since this is a bodice-ripper, naturally the heroine ends up being into it and that counts as retroactive consent or something. Sigh.
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| This picture is truly worth a thousand words. |
Chapter 12: And Then I Laughed Very Hard
Previously on Moonlit Obsession: after them getting to the spy equivalent of third base with each other by sharing intel, Buffalo Burke ended up admitting that he was wrong to accuse Anemone of killing a guy, just because he caught her standing above a fresh corpse and quite literally holding a smoking gun. You do that, sir. He also revealed that he has some intel she would dearly love to get her hands on, and challenged her to a card game where he offers his intel as his stake, while she has to kiss him if she loses. After Burke made me gag with his smarm, Anemone – who is officially entering 'too horny to function' territory at this point – agreed to his challenge and revealed that she's the ancestor of Old Man Henderson and an absolute expert at this game, so she shouldn't have too much trouble beating Burke.
Chapter 12 starts with Anemone close to losing a game, because of course. We're treated to a lengthy description of their strategies that doesn't actually describe what they're doing at all, just vaguely assures us that she's the greatest at picquet, but sadly he's turning out to be the greatestest. Burke calls her "my pet" again, I have to tell my lunch not to make a return trip again, business as usual.
After some inane back-and-forth she ends up winning their second match, which he uses as an excuse to smarmily flirt with her, throwing her off track.
"You don't need any other distractions to undo me, my pet. Just looking at you is distraction enough."
Meanwhile, I am being driven to distraction by the "witty banter", but at least I laughed very hard at this banger of a pickup line. I can almost see the fedora tip it was followed by.
Even more funnily, Burke's patented incel flirting leaves Anemone with her heart "skittering" in her chest like a small animal, then he stares at her boobs. No, seriously. He looks at her neck, and his eyes "touched upon the swell of her breasts above the low-cut silk gown, then wandered up again, meeting her eyes. She felt her gaze widen beneath the intensity of his look." Look, I know this is creepy AF, but the fact that Burke considers leering at a woman's chest an effective pickup method is giving me the most beautiful mental images of drink-tossing and balls-kneeing that might have happened when he tried that one on more worldly-wise ladies. Also gazes don't widen. Unless Anemone has laser eyes and can adjust the beam.
Flustered by Burke's polished boob check flirting skills and on the wrong side of two glasses of brandy, Anemone tries to focus on the game, but naturally he's better at it and starts to mop the floor with her. Like to know what their strategies look like or what moves they use to further the game? Fuck you for asking, that's what, because we never get any description beyond vague sentences like "As the rubber progressed he was beating her brutally" and GOOD GOD is that not something I wanted to hear in any context involving these two. Anyway, Anemone loses the last game and as such, their wager as well, because of course.
What, did you think she'd put her expert skills to good use and get the upper hand for once? You just tuned into this recap, right?
Buffalo Burke, meanwhile, takes a second to feel sorry for Anemone as they finish up the last match – what, because he's about to force her to kiss him despite her obviously being uncomfortable with the idea? Nah, he just thinks she's a sore loser. Also I get to hear about her "heaving breasts" and that just puts me in mind of anime boob physics. Thank you for that.
He could understand her unhappiness. Yet a smile curled his lips as he beheld her agitation.
I hope a smile is curling your lips as you're beholding my agitation too, gentle readers, because I swear I'm this close to biting through the spine of the book.
Amusement flooded through his muscular frame.
No reason to pull that quote except to show y'all the kind of elegant prose we're getting here. We're then treated to a whole page of Burke as he wonders how to best seduce Anemone with a kiss, and I'll spare y'all because I love y'all. All you need to know is that he drops a "most cold-hearted of bitches" into his internal monologue as he thinks of his previous conquests because he apparently wishes to break me in this chapter, shills Sea Urchin's character some more by thinking that she's a good spy and also Not Like Other Girls, then the pageful of smarm I just got hosed down with ends with a POV shift, thank the Lord. I then get to hear from Anemone about the "piercing blue fire" of Burke's eyes, and frankly that sounds very painful to look at. She tries to take control of the situation, despite feeling inexperienced and terrified of him, by reminding him that their bargain was for one kiss.
Then Burke freaks me the fuck out.
"Just one, my poor condemned prisoner. Come along, your torture will all be over soon."
GOOD LORD. Ladies, gentlemen, enbies and other genders, just a quick heads up: 'it will all be over soon' is not sexy talk. It's "this man has a lampshade made of human skin in his house and he's about to make you into a matching curtain" talk. FYI.
Despite Buffalo Burke doing his best to earn his nickname with his serial killer flirting, Anemone wanders over to him, wondering why he didn't stand up... only to be startled when he yanks her down to sit on his lap. If you're thinking she does something to establish control and consent in this situation, I commend your naivete. She just kind of sits there and is scared of him.
SUPER MEGA SPY!
No, she's not using her mad spying skillz right now, but has she never had self-defense training before? This is exactly the kind of situation that calls for a karate chop to the throat. Good Lord. Anyway, after some supremely icky back-and-forth, she leans forward to shut him up and get it over with.
And then I laughed very hard.
A shock wave ran through her, sending tremor after tremor rippling up and down her spine. Her lips felt afire as they came in contact with his warm, sensually chiseled mouth.
Did someone stick him into a power outlet? Anyway, now we get the obligatory purple prose bodice-ripper makeout session complete with Burke copping a feel, during which we hear deeply sexy lines like "sent her into a spiraling world of rapture and delight" and "they were alone in a universe of exquisite fire" that made me choke-laugh into my pillow through the whole thing. I have literally read fanfiction that was hotter than this, but I digress. Eventually, when Burke attempts to reach under her skirt Anemone slams on the brakes and tries to slap him for getting way too forward, but – try not to faint from surprise – he easily restrains her. Then he prevents her from leaving. Because of course.
And then I laughed very, very hard.
"You may be a beginner in the matter of lovemaking, but your instincts are superb. You're warm inside, like butter. You're so sweet to kiss."
I– HE– BUTTER?!
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA okay sorry. Give me a second while you eat up that sexy talk, ladies.
So after making me cry tears of joy and laughter with that line (eat your heart out, Anais Nin), Burke restrains Anemone and continues to refuse to let her leave, but for once I'm not outraged because it gives us another glorious description fail.
The piercing blue of his eyes stabbed at her as he spoke in a deep, gritty voice that was surprisingly tender.
He just stabbed her with his eyes and then gave her the chainsmoker voice. I'm swooning as I type. Despite Anemone weakly protesting that she doesn't want him to kiss her again, he ignores her words (siiiigh) and "buried his lips in hers". That's a little too Cronenberg for my tastes, but whatever floats the boat of all the women rating this five stars on Goodreads, I guess...?
Anyway, they make out again and clumsily flirt again, and I'll spare y'all of the sight, then we cut to later with Burke out on the deck and inspecting the sky for a coming storm. The first mate, William, comes to check on him and they go below decks to share whatever the Regency equivalent of locker-room talk was. Be very afraid. Burke tells William that he's only trying to seduce Anemone for her intel, then William proves that he's still every bit as disgusting as he was back in chapter 7.
"You're not one to hurt a fine young woman like that. She's not like those common hussies that fling themselves at your feet."
I would love to fling something large and heavy at William for that line, but before I could try to climb into the book for some anger management, he hits us with something a lot funnier.
"I don't like it!" he announced with great decision.
Jesus, man, calm thy gazongas.
Anyway, after I laughed very hard, Burke wraps up this eternity of a chapter by telling William that he needs Anemone's intel to stop whatever evil business is going on in New Orleans, then they get distracted by the storm finally breaking outside. Burke has a crisis of conscience about using a blushing virgin like her for his schemes as he rushes to prepare the ship, but in the very last sentence of the chapter, he heroically decides to lie back and think of America. No, really.
[...] no time to ponder what he intended to do to her in the name of duty and valor, no time to weigh the price of her well-being against the effort to preserve, in these tumultuous times, his country's fragile peace.
Now that he decided that what he's doing is wrong, he can carry on doing it, of course!
And with that I'm out. Take care, gentle readers – at this point I'm fairly sure I can promise more funny bad than bad bad down the line. See you next time.
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