Hello again, everyone! Long time no see. Like, almost ten hours. I figured that as long as I'm blogging again, I might as well hurry to get this pile of ostrich poo of a book out of my system, so! Here we are, I guess.
Let's.
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| Today's reading face, courtesy of Alien Resurrection. I haven't even begun to scratch the surface of my funny reaction image screencap collection, trust me. |
Chapter 11: Go Kiss a Cement Mixer
Previously on Moonlit Obsession: after finally (and I use that term loosely because it took her less time than a Lord of the Rings marathon) agreeing to cooperate with sleazy creep Stephen Burke, Sea Urchin Anemone Carstairs got some of her freedom of movement back as they're sailing to New Orleans on his ship. However, Burke has simply switched tactics and is trying to seduce her for more intel now; that is succeeding with flying colors despite Anemone's backbone returning from the war, because she pretty much starts ovulating whenever he enters her field of vision. We ended last chapter with Buffalo Burke catching Anemone tossing dice with some sailors (I mean that literally, not as a double entendre). Then she got dragged to Burke's cabin with him telling her they're going to play a game and I instantly heard the Hello Zepp theme in the background, both because I have permanent Saw-shaped brain damage these days and because Burke is just that creepy.
Chapter 11 starts with Anemone attempting to refuse Burke's game while he takes out some playing cards and brandy, telling her that he took her laudanum so she can't lace the drinks this time. Great, so he took away her only means of self-defense – not that it was a tool that worked, mind you, because the last person she knocked out with it was herself, but you love to see her getting more and more helpless with each chapter. Despite Anemone protesting valiantly, Burke tells her she'll play once she sees the stakes, and pulls out the letter Anemone tried to snatch from Lord Pelham's library before the whole "SUPER MEGA SPY grabbing the murder weapon from a room with a freshly corpsified person and waiting until someone saw her with it" fiasco happened. They both remember that moment and Anemone calls Burke stupid for still thinking she's the one who shot his Lordship – look, Sea Urchin, were you or were you not caught holding the gun he was unalived with? Feel free... no, feel encouraged to insult Burke's intelligence as much as you like, but kindly don't insult mine. She also mentally calls the fact that Burke stole the Very Obviously Spy Letter a "stunning revelation".
SUPER MEGA SPY!
Watch a James Bond movie sometime, Sea Urchin. It'll blow your mind with the intricate espionage.
Burke does something halfway intelligent for once, and thinks that Anemone wouldn't be so eager to read the letter if she were working for whoever wrote it and so already aware of its contents. (I use the word "halfway" generously, but I'll take what I can work with.) He decides to ask more about Anemone's involvement in the shooting, and she ends up spilling the beans after a minimum amount of consideration because she apparently Just Knows she can trust him about everything at this point.
Just a moment... What was that about him bodily dragging you to his cabin after promising not to restrict your freedom anymore? Or him apparently mistaking you for a saddle during an interrogation right after saying he wouldn't get physical with you? Oh, nothing? All right, ma'am, carry on.
As the two super mega spies share intel with each other, we get the very helpful description of "Stephen shrugged his shoulders" – get back to me when you can shrug your knees, that would be impressive – as well as the fact that despite him only having her word to go on that she didn't kill Lord Pelham, he's also perfectly willing to tell her about his spy business now. (Can you imagine if these two were actually working for countries at war with each other? It could be the first war in history where both parties lose.) Turns out someone killed the French informant who wrote and the henchman who delivered the letter, too. They were both shot through the heart and you're to blame this means that the letter is Very Important Indeed.
Anemone tells Burke that she's working for the English government and she was sent to investigate Lord Pelham – smooth – and he smolders at her and apologizes for accusing her of murdering the guy. And he freaks me the fuck out by calling her "my pet" again. Look, whatever floats your boat, good man, but I truly didn't need to know you're into that sort of thing. (Jokes aside, the fact that he constantly called her a deliberately belittling endearment while the whole captor/captive thing was going on makes it ten times creepier that he continues to do it now that she's supposedly his guest.) Anemone then makes me laugh very hard by reacting thusly to his apology.
This was so unexpected, so out of character, that for a moment she could do nothing but gulp in astonishment.
Hilarious mental images of that reaction aside, the fact that the heroine herself thinks Burke applying some basic human decency to her is out of character is so funny it's almost sad.
After ovulating some more at Burke dialing up the smarm charm, Anemone realizes she's getting too horny for her own good and asks to see the letter. Then Burke makes me want to tar and feather him in public by laughing in her face and telling her that he still wants to play a game with her, despite the fact that they already got to third base on the trust front and spilled a bunch of spy business to each other.
When Anemone tries to order him to give her the letter, Burke mocks her by saying that she terrifies him and informs her that she can't do a goddamn thing to him (thanks for reminding me, man, it's not like I've been screaming into the wind about that for the past four chapters), so she might as well agree to play picquet with him and see if she can win it from him. And then I laughed very hard again.
Glaring at him, she decided not to tell him that she was an expert at the game, having twice beaten a renowned champion in Vienna only last year.
PFFFFFFTT dear God, woman, are you related to Old Man Henderson?
After I finished giggling at Anemone pulling yet another expert skill out of her shapely behind, she very sensibly asks what she's supposed to bet against the letter, since Burke didn't let her keep her winnings from the dice-tossing. She also tells him to quit calling her "my pet", and I despair because I know deep in my bones that he doesn't give a fuck. He then makes me briefly short-circuit from rage by telling her that he wants her stake in a "best out of three" picquet game to be a kiss.
Instead of telling him to kiss her ass if he wants to kiss something, Anemone gets outraged and tries to leave. Only for Burke to grab her and tell her that surely a kiss is something worth risking against a chance of getting her hands on some valuable intel.
Go kiss a cement mixer, man. And don't call me Shirley.
Naturally, rather than knee him in the balls so he'll finally stop holding on to her, and also because he deserves to get kneed in the balls, Anemone just asks – while trying not to swoon all over him because of course – if he won't accept something else as her stake in the game. He tells her he won't. Lovely. I'm going to my happy place right now and try to visualize Burke having himself a little dive into the needle pit from Saw II. Alas, Sea Urchin ends up agreeing to his terms, because that's clearly the only way she can get that bloody letter from him.
SUPER MEGA SPY!
We end the chapter with Sea Urchin telling Burke that "I shall enjoy beating you very much" – tell me about it, sister, I think a lot of people would enjoy beating him very much at this point. Then she deals the cards, and I'm left banging my head against the wall to dull the pain until next chapter.
Take care, gentle readers. I'll be around.
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