Greetings, gentle readers.
After the double dose of dumb that the last two chapters of Moonlit Obsession have been, today we're taking it easy and doing only one. But worry not, dear readers, for this is a spectacular chapter all on its own, and features 70% less of me wanting to reach into the book and strangle the characters with my eyes. I won't spoil what's about to happen, so hopefully you'll get the full effect I got when I encountered it for the first time. I will just put a Hungarian saying that I feel applies here and let you deduce what that means: God's zoo is large and the fence is very low.
Into the bleach we go.
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| This'll be everyone reading this by the end of the chapter. You'll see. |
Chapter 5: Stupidity Agents
Last time in Moonlit Obsession: the interestingly-named intelligence agent Anemone Carstairs was introduced to some asshole named Stephen Burke who she assumes is an enemy spy, and who we know is a terrifying creep. She found out via some eavesdropping that Burke really, really wants to buy intel on the route of a ship named Belvidere from a Britishman who is selling info on England to French spies, but still is the most sympathetic and interesting character so far. Then another creepy asshole tried to put the moves on her. That scene had no purpose except to raise my blood pressure and to establish things we already know (namely that Burke is a dick and Anemone still is into him for some reason beyond me), so I'm not discussing it. Also, this is the last round of me riffing on Anemone's glaringly anachronistic name because that gag is getting old.
Chapter five starts with Avalanche waking up after a miserable night to a morning with the Pelhams all out in town to do whatever. Then she has her spirits raised by his Lordship having another Totally Not A Spy No Sir visitor in his own damn house, and the guy is so over-the-top about their Totally Not Spy Business, I'm surprised he didn't come to the Pelhams in a trenchcoat with a fake mustache half-dangling from his face. He leaves a letter for Lord Pelham, and Ambulance goes to snatch it, taking pains not to be discovered: she uses a masterful diversion to grab the household's attention so she can take the envelope somewhere else and reads the message quickly, then she reseals it, so her spying won't be discovered pfff who am I kidding. None of that happens and she tries to read it right there in the freaking library where the butler left it.
I feel like the time has come for another skyward scream.
SUPER MEGA SPY!
Before she can actually break the seal, though, "the library doors burst open and Burke strode into the room." When their eyes meet, Appalachia deduces from his startled face that he also came to search the library, which explains why he all but kicked down the door just now when the house is still perfectly full of servants who have eyes and ears. I guess I should be thankful that at least he's not wearing squeaky clown shoes and playing a vuvuzela. Atomic Blonde decides that the best defense is to not have any idea what you're doing, and acts like she totally wasn't just caught with a sealed letter in her hand as she asks him why he's here.
Alas for my sanity, Burke no-sells her killer tactics and I get to hear about his "potent masculine appeal", excuse me while I go horf into my mother's ugly vase. I know this is a historical novel, but the Axe body spray is just wafting from the pages. He goes "no u" to that piercing question and grabs Almanac's chin, which totally drives all thoughts from her last braincell and we learn that she didn't even have an excuse prepared on the off-chance that someone caught her in here. His "magnetic sensuality" is so strong that she can't come up with one right now, either.
Alas for my sanity, Burke no-sells her killer tactics and I get to hear about his "potent masculine appeal", excuse me while I go horf into my mother's ugly vase. I know this is a historical novel, but the Axe body spray is just wafting from the pages. He goes "no u" to that piercing question and grabs Almanac's chin, which totally drives all thoughts from her last braincell and we learn that she didn't even have an excuse prepared on the off-chance that someone caught her in here. His "magnetic sensuality" is so strong that she can't come up with one right now, either.
SUPER MEGA SPY!
She eventually stammers out a half-baked story about needing to fetch a bill for an expensive gown Cecilia bought so her dad won't know she's been spending so much. There's no way whatsoever that can fall apart if Burke ever happens to bring it up with Cecilia, now that they're friendly enough to play tonsil hockey. Burke, however, buys Amphibian's intricate deception and only asks her as she's leaving if they've met before. She says no and scampers, lamenting that she fumbled this whole letter business. Not gonna disagree on that.
We then switch to Burke's POV, because that's totally a place where I wanted to be. He's still thinking about Atmosphere, but then shakes it off and focuses on his mission: tracking down the Belvidere, which, as we learn, he's doing to find his best friend who is held prisoner on the ship. He screeches the plot to a halt to remember the day he found out about Johnny being taken, which the narrator mostly spends talking about Burke's parents. They're both still hot – thank God that's cleared up – and in love – very necessary to know as well – and want their son to marry and settle down too, but he's content to just sleep around and doesn't do the whole love thing. Ah, the cat's out of the bag with this whole flashback scene: giving us the 'before' so we can see the 'after' once he falls for Anaesthetic. I never would have assumed that he's an irresponsible womanizer otherwise, not at all. COUGH Cecilia COUGH.
Sorry. Got a sore throat today.
Anyway, Johnny and Burke are both American intelligence agents – maybe stupidity agents would be more accurate EYYYYY (I deserve the rotten tomatoes, but you see what I'm working with while recapping this). Johnny was coming back from a mission in France when the British ship Belvidere captured him, so now Burke is harassing, creeping, sleazing and intimidating his way through the country to find him. Heroically. Back in the plot, he rifles through Lord Pelham's desk and finds the coded letter Annihilation was looking at earlier. Once he's decoded it, he sees that it's from a French informant and it mentions New Orleans and someone named De Vauban.
Then we're back with Azkaban; Cecilia keeps her busy for the rest of the day until the evening, when the two Pelham kids leave the house for some fun out in town. Arkham Asylum decides that now is a perfect time to take another stab at reading the letter in the library, even though Lord Pelham is already home and might have put it away perfectly easily since. Then again, this is the guy who leaves his compromising document drawers wide the fuck unlocked for anyone to look at, so what do I know about how these master spies conduct their business?
Either way, Airbrushed Van goes to the library again but sees from the light that Lord Pelham is still inside. As she tries to puzzle out what to do next, she hears him talking to someone in a scared voice... then a gunshot.
I will now attempt to describe the rest of this chapter as clearly as possible without Mcfreakin' losing it.
After the gunshot, which somehow no one else in the household has heard, Assyria bursts into the library and finds Lord Pelham dead. He's been shot through the heart, andyou're to blame apparently so much for his family not getting ruined and sinking into poverty now. I'd love to see his son as miserable as can be, but his daughter's biggest crime was being a bit spoiled and liking fancy clothes; and as for her dad, the poor guy definitely deserved better. R.I.P., Lord Pelham. You'll live on in my heart, even if yours is all over the wall.*
*I stole that joke from Hellsing Ultimate Abridged, deal with it
Lord Pelham's killer is some guy in a mask, who has put his gun down just vaguely next to the corpse as he's looking at it, because apparently no one in this book has the sense that God gave a radish. To prove me right, Angel Dust grabs the gun from him and he runs away, and she then proceeds to hold the murder weapon in her hand for the entire rest of the scene. She tries searching the desk for a clue about why Lord Pelham was killed, and just so happens to find the Belvidere's route written down when Burke, as the only one in the house not having a devastating case of tinnitus this evening, falls through the doorway and sees Autopsy standing above a dead body with a gun in one hand and a paper in the other.
He has "black murder carved on his face" and okay, Oculus, home stretch, don't yeet the book and run away crying now.
Anyway, that just happened. Then instead of doing something like pointing the gun at him, threatening him or attempting to bargain with the intel which is obviously incredibly valuable to Burke... Armageddon turns and tosses the paper into the fire.
And with that, the chapter is over and I am left to the sweet oblivion of dumb testosterone movies again. But I have three parting words for this segment; if you would like to, you can scream them with me. It might help with the pain. Here it goes...
We then switch to Burke's POV, because that's totally a place where I wanted to be. He's still thinking about Atmosphere, but then shakes it off and focuses on his mission: tracking down the Belvidere, which, as we learn, he's doing to find his best friend who is held prisoner on the ship. He screeches the plot to a halt to remember the day he found out about Johnny being taken, which the narrator mostly spends talking about Burke's parents. They're both still hot – thank God that's cleared up – and in love – very necessary to know as well – and want their son to marry and settle down too, but he's content to just sleep around and doesn't do the whole love thing. Ah, the cat's out of the bag with this whole flashback scene: giving us the 'before' so we can see the 'after' once he falls for Anaesthetic. I never would have assumed that he's an irresponsible womanizer otherwise, not at all. COUGH Cecilia COUGH.
Sorry. Got a sore throat today.
Anyway, Johnny and Burke are both American intelligence agents – maybe stupidity agents would be more accurate EYYYYY (I deserve the rotten tomatoes, but you see what I'm working with while recapping this). Johnny was coming back from a mission in France when the British ship Belvidere captured him, so now Burke is harassing, creeping, sleazing and intimidating his way through the country to find him. Heroically. Back in the plot, he rifles through Lord Pelham's desk and finds the coded letter Annihilation was looking at earlier. Once he's decoded it, he sees that it's from a French informant and it mentions New Orleans and someone named De Vauban.
Then we're back with Azkaban; Cecilia keeps her busy for the rest of the day until the evening, when the two Pelham kids leave the house for some fun out in town. Arkham Asylum decides that now is a perfect time to take another stab at reading the letter in the library, even though Lord Pelham is already home and might have put it away perfectly easily since. Then again, this is the guy who leaves his compromising document drawers wide the fuck unlocked for anyone to look at, so what do I know about how these master spies conduct their business?
Either way, Airbrushed Van goes to the library again but sees from the light that Lord Pelham is still inside. As she tries to puzzle out what to do next, she hears him talking to someone in a scared voice... then a gunshot.
I will now attempt to describe the rest of this chapter as clearly as possible without Mcfreakin' losing it.
After the gunshot, which somehow no one else in the household has heard, Assyria bursts into the library and finds Lord Pelham dead. He's been shot through the heart, and
*I stole that joke from Hellsing Ultimate Abridged, deal with it
Lord Pelham's killer is some guy in a mask, who has put his gun down just vaguely next to the corpse as he's looking at it, because apparently no one in this book has the sense that God gave a radish. To prove me right, Angel Dust grabs the gun from him and he runs away, and she then proceeds to hold the murder weapon in her hand for the entire rest of the scene. She tries searching the desk for a clue about why Lord Pelham was killed, and just so happens to find the Belvidere's route written down when Burke, as the only one in the house not having a devastating case of tinnitus this evening, falls through the doorway and sees Autopsy standing above a dead body with a gun in one hand and a paper in the other.
He has "black murder carved on his face" and okay, Oculus, home stretch, don't yeet the book and run away crying now.
Anyway, that just happened. Then instead of doing something like pointing the gun at him, threatening him or attempting to bargain with the intel which is obviously incredibly valuable to Burke... Armageddon turns and tosses the paper into the fire.
And with that, the chapter is over and I am left to the sweet oblivion of dumb testosterone movies again. But I have three parting words for this segment; if you would like to, you can scream them with me. It might help with the pain. Here it goes...
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